


A Gentleman And A Lady

by tumblruserpailylove



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Angst, Awkward Kissing, Cheating, Childhood Friends, Collage, Embarrassment, Established Relationship, Eventual Romance, F/F, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Pining, Secret Crush, Secret kissing, Sharks, Swimming, protective paige, selfless paige
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 02:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15698472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumblruserpailylove/pseuds/tumblruserpailylove
Summary: It's funny just what a silly stuffed animal can mean to a person. For Emily Fields, this stuffed animal is the only piece of Spencer Hastings she will ever hold. Italics are flashbacks, some really from the show and some I just made up to fit my story. Established Paily and Spoby at first but not for long.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (Just moving my old works from ffnet to here)  
> (I have not re-read or edited any of my old works so sorry if they're horrible)

_“What about this?” Paige stood at the side of Emily’s bed in front of four boxes they had been sorting things into. One was labeled store, one said donate, one said trash, and the last one said college. It was just a few weeks after graduation and Emily was in the thick of preparing to move away to start her college career._

_“Em?” Paige said with a laugh, stepping around the boxes and looking toward the closet. Emily was buried deep inside, digging through her shoes. She had no idea how she had accumulated so many shoes over the years but now she had to decide which to keep and which ones she really didn’t need. It seemed like an impossible choice at this point._

_“Yeah?” Emily heard Paige the second time and paused, turning to look out of the doorway. “What were you saying?”_

_Paige smiled at her girlfriend and shook her head, thinking she was absolutely adorable when she was frazzled. She lifted up the stuffed shark she had been unsure of moments ago and showed Emily “Donate?”_

_“No” Emily said with a bit of panic in her voice. She turned where she sat and hurried to her feet in a quick scramble. “No, he’s going with me.”_

_“What?” Paige looked at the little shark and laughed “Em, he’s a stuffed animal. One that looks like has had better days. You’re really taking him to college with you?”_

_“Yes” Emily growled, snatching the shark now out of Paige’s hands and pulling it into a protective embrace. “I can’t sleep without him.”_

_“That’s ridiculous. You’ve slept over at my house hundreds of times and I’ve never once seen him.”_

_“He was there” Emily said softly “in my bag” she added with a shrug._

_Paige opened her mouth to say something but stopped and shook her head. She let out another light laugh then waved her hands at Emily in a silent surrender. “It’s your reputation. Let’s just hope your college roommate doesn’t tell the other swim teams you still sleep with a stuffed animal. What’s so special about him anyway?”_

_Paige’s last words drifted off into a sort of distant whisper as Emily’s eyes caught the soft sparkle of the plastic blue marble that served as the stuffed shark’s eye, bringing a smile to her lips as the memory flooded back to her._

_“Emily over here! Em!” Hanna held her hand up through the crowd of people that had filled the rotunda just outside the swimming pool doors. It was the first time in three years that the team had won a meet and the buzz of the crowd was palpable._

_Emily spotted her friends and smiled softly. She quietly excused herself through the crowd until she was able to meet up with the four friends that were all smiling up at her with pride “You guys came?”_

_“Oh course we did, Em!” Hanna said with a wide grin, giving Emily an excited hug. “It was your first game, we couldn’t miss it!”_

_“Meet” Spencer said with a roll of her eyes._

_“Meat?” Hanna questioned._

_“Swim meet. That’s the technical term. It’s not called a game.”_

_“Whatever. Emily won, that’s all that matters!”_

_“It is” Alison said with as much of a smile as she was ever able to produce, her eyes landing on Emily with a nod. “Well done, Emily.”_

_“Thanks” Emily blushed a little and bit her lip. Praise from Alison was like a compliment from Oprah or something._

_“You did awesome” Aria finally chimed in, stepping forward to offer a hug to her friend. “We were all cheering for you. Did you hear us?”_

_“I think so” Emily nodded slowly. “It’s kind of hard to hear in the water but some sound gets through.”_

_“Great. So, celebration party? I got wind of a killer bash at the Kahn’s place tonight.” Alison looked between all of her friends with a nod as she spoke, as if disagreeing with her was not an option. “Are we in?”_

_“I have homework” Emily said with a shrug. “And my dad told me if my grades slip I will have to give up swimming.”_

_“Lame” Alison rolled her eyes and tossed her hair over her shoulder as she turned to the other girls “Ladies?”_

_“Sure” Aria said with a nod._

_“Count me in” Hanna said with a smile._

_“Only if you change out of those ridiculous sweats” Alison said with another roll of her eyes. Hanna frowned and looked down over her outfit and sighed before nodding quickly in agreement and giving her a forced smile._

_“Well you guys have fun” Emily said as she shifted the bag over her shoulder. “I’m going to head home. Thank you so much for coming.”_

_“What are friends for?” Alison said with a shrug. She turned and waved over her shoulder “Later.” She started through the crowd, not looking back now. Both Aria and Hanna followed her through._

_When Emily realized Spencer had not followed, she arched an eyebrow curiously and pointed in the direction of the other girls. “Aren’t you going with them?”_

_“And watch Ali trying to slobber all over whatever college guys show up at the party?” Spencer’s upper lip curled up in disgust and she shook her head. “My sister has a recital tonight anyway so I couldn’t go even if I wanted to.” She shrugged and gave one last look toward her friends, catching Ali’s blonde hair sweeping out of the doorway before disappearing. She looked back to Emily now and gave her a soft smile “You were great today, Emily.”_

_“Thanks” Emily said shyly, looking down at her feet now. It was always so intimidating to be alone with Spencer and she didn’t know why. “I am just glad you guys came. I know swimming isn’t always exciting and it’s not the coolest sport so I was surprised Ali even allowed you guys to be seen here.”_

_“Ali is ridiculous” Spencer said with a roll of her eyes “She is way too obsessed with popularity. You’re my friend, Emily, I would have come even if Ali threatened to disown me.” She let out a soft laugh and gave Emily a little nudge with her shoulder “We watched a star in the making today, I wouldn’t have missed that for the world. Do you realize you broke the state freshman record?”_

_“I did?” Emily looked up again and smiled widely, her eyes bright with excitement._

_Spencer nodded quickly “I did a bit of research before we came today. You crushed the record by three seconds!”_

_Emily’s face lit up even more and she tried to contain the smile that was spreading so fast her face might actually crack in half._

_“You’re going to be something special.” Spencer reached out and gave Emily’s forearm a squeeze. “That’s why I got you this.” She held up a small stuffed shark for Emily to see. She looked at the gift and shrugged before looking back to Emily “It’s not much but maybe it will inspire you to win a real trophy one day?”_

_“No” Emily shook her head and reached out for the stuffed animal “It’s perfect. It came from you, that is all I need.” She realized what she had said and her cheeks turned a soft pink “I mean, your support, you know, it means the world to me.”_

_“What are friends for?” Spencer said with a smirk as her tone and words mocked Ali perfectly._

_Emily giggled and nodded her head as she pulled the shark against her chest in a soft embrace. “You’re a good friend, Spence.”_

_Spencer gave her a wink and another nudge before sliding her arm around her shoulders and turning with her toward the doors “Let’s get out of here. You have homework to do. We can’t have the star of the team having to drop out because of bad grades. If you ever need help let me know, alright?”_

_“Thanks” Emily said with another shy nod and smile as they walked together toward the parking lot before going their separate ways, the tingle of Spencer’s arm around her shoulders sticking with Emily for the rest of the night._

_“_ Should I leave you two alone?” Paige asked with a laugh.

Emily blinked and shook her head, looking up at Paige now, the memory fading away as she was brought back to the moment. “Huh?”

“You’ve been staring into that creepy shark’s eye for like hours. Should I be jealous?” Paige’s face was twisted with a smirk of amusement, finding it hilarious that her girlfriend was so attached to a dinky toy.

“No” Emily said softly, looking back down at the one eyed shark and stroking her hand over its worn fin “There is nothing to be jealous of.” She bit her bottom lip before finally looking away from the shark and walking over to the box marked for college and setting him on top “And he’s not creepy. His name is Cer and I would appreciate it if you addressed him as such.”

Paige snorted in a bad attempt to bite back her laughter. She nodded her head slowly then turned around to start sorting through the books on Emily’s shelf “Whatever you say, dear.”

Emily glanced back at the shark and sighed before slowly going back to what she had been doing before. Paige wouldn’t be laughing if she knew exactly what that stuffed shark meant to her. No one knew, though. No one would ever know because it was just easier that way.


	2. Chapter 2

_ "Make yourself comfortable. The rest of the girls should be here soon but you know as well as I do that our friends being on time seems to be a physical impossibility" Spencer attempted a laugh but it was more of a huff laced with annoyance than anything. "I'm going to go get the popcorn started. One good thing about being early is you get to choose your spot for the sleepover and none of the others can argue." This time Spencer's smile was genuine and she motioned into her room while nodding at Emily "Go for it. I will be right back with snacks." _ __   
__   
_ Being alone in Spencer's room wasn't weird. The girls spent so much time together at one another's houses that they all felt like home, really. So Emily made herself at home while Spencer gathered snacks. After tossing her overnight bag and pillow onto the floor she turned and caught sight of the pile of dvds on Spencer's bed. Picking them up she started to look through them until she decided it didn’t matter what she wanted to watch because Ali and Spencer would inevitably end up arguing over what to watch and they'd just give in to Ali to shut her up. _ __   
__   
_ Putting the dvds back on the bed Emily now turned and started to look at the things in Spencer's room. She had been there a dozen times but it always seemed she found something new to examine each time. She walked around, sliding her fingers over pictures of the Hastings family, awards in their frames, and half finished books on the shelves. When Emily reached Spencer's dresser she paused to look over the ever growing collection of jewelry that helped Spencer stand out in the group. She smiled as her fingers traced a few oversized necklaces, the red one being her favorite. _ __   
__   
_ Then something caught Emily's eye. She glanced over her shoulder to check for an immediate arrival of anyone in the room and when it seemed the coast was clear, Emily reached for the bottle. She picked it up and smiled at how vintage and classy it looked. It was like a perfume bottle from old black and white movies with a wide base and a little ball that you squeezed to spritz yourself with the scent.  _ __   
__   
_ She brought the bottle to her nose and inhaled deeply. Immediately she felt warm from head to toe as the very essence of Spencer Hastings filled her senses. Her eyes closed and for a moment she let every good feeling that Spencer brought to her fill her up. A soft smile came to her lips and her eyes fluttered open. She loved the way Spencer smelled, nothing bad could happen when that scent was near her. _ __   
__   
_ Then an idea struck. Emily turned and checked the doorway again. When once more there was silence in the hallway, Emily quickly stepped to her bag and bent down in front of it. She unzipped the main pocket and after digging around under her outfit for the next day, her hand emerged with the stuffed shark Spencer had given her a few weeks prior. _ __   
__   
_ She smiled and quickly set him on top of her bag. With her eyes on the doorway, she gave a few quick squeezes to the little ball and covered the shark with the intoxicating scent. Satisfied that the smell would hold for a while, she quickly stuffed the shark back into her bag, gave a quick zip to lock in the smell, and then stood to return the bottle to its proper place on Spencer's dresser. _ __   
_   
_ __ "No Hanna, you can’t have butter on your popcorn." Ali's voice broke the silence in the hallway and grew louder as she approached the room. "You are trying to lose the so called baby weight, remember? So no complaining unless you want to be Hefty Hanna forever."

__   
_ "It’s just butter" Hanna argued as the girls now entered the room. Her face lit up when she saw Emily was already there and she immediately went over to greet her with a hug "Hey Em! Sorry we're so late Ali wouldn’t let me leave the house until I changed out of my sweats." _ __   
__   
_ "We're just at a sleepover at Spencer's" Emily shook her head and looked at Ali "I sleep in sweats." _ __   
__   
_ "But sweats are not all that you wear in public, dear. Hanna needs to break the habit and start showing off her bod. She's lost ten pounds you know." _ __   
__   
_ "I think she should wear what makes her comfortable" Spencer spoke now from the doorway, her hands full of snacks in bowls. "Stop trying to change Hanna, she's fine how she is." _ __   
__   
_ "We're in high school now, Spence. I am trying to help Hanna survive. These people can be cruel. We don’t want our friend being miserable do we?" Ali batted her eyes and spoke in her most innocent tone, as if she really cared. _ __   
__   
_ Spencer wasn’t buying it and just rolled her eyes, mumbling under her breath "You mean you don’t want anyone else making her miserable." _ __   
__   
_ "So what are we watching tonight? And where's Aria?" Emily spoke softly hoping to break the tension and change the subject. _ __   
__   
_ "Here" Aria said with a smile "Sorry I’m late. There was a family dinner that I couldn’t escape. Something about touching base with us all to keep us close in our busy lives." She shrugged and waved it off "I didn’t miss anything did I?" _ __   
__   
_ "Just the usual" Emily said, glancing between Ali and Spencer who were already vetoing each others dvd choices. _ __   
__   
_ Aria nodded and tossed her bag on the floor the propped herself up on her pillow before patting the spot next to her "Sit here, Han. I’ll braid your hair during the movie." _ __   
__   
_ Ten minutes later they had miraculously decided on something to watch. Hanna laid with her head on Aria's lap, munching on butter-free popcorn while her hair was being braided. Ali had put herself right in the middle of the floor, where Emily's pillow had been, because she wanted the best view. Emily had been forced to sit off to the side where she could hardly see the screen because of Ali taking her spot. _ __   
__   
_ "Em" Spencer whispered softly from where she laid on her stomach in her bed. When Emily looked up, Spencer smiled and patted the space on her mattress next to her "Room for one more and it’s a Hell of a view." _ __   
__   
_ Emily was glad the only light in the room was the glow from the tv because she was sure she had just blushed. She scrambled up off the floor and quickly lay next to Spencer on the bed. "Thanks." _ __   
__   
_ "Shhh" Ali hissed and glanced back at them with a glare before folding her arms and turning back to the screen. _ __   
__   
_ Spencer bit back a laugh, amused by the scolding their friend had just given them. She held up her finger in front of her lips, mocking Ali's shushing noise before giving Emily a playful nudge with her shoulder. _ __   
__   
__ Emily just nodded, chewing her bottom lip and fighting a smile. She watched Spencer turn and get back into the movie but couldn’t tell you what happened next because the only thing she focused on the rest of the night was how every time Spencer moved, their forearms brushed together softly .   
  
"Crazy isn’t it?" Spencer's voice came from behind Emily, breaking up the memory she had been so immersed in.   
  
"What’s that?" Emily asked softly, slowly turning her head to look over her shoulder at her friend.   
  
"How time flies" Spencer said with a shrug, pushing off the doorway where she had been leaning and walking into her room fully now. "How many crazy times we've had together, how many of those times started or happened right in this room." Spencer glanced around then sat on the edge of her bed next to where Emily had taken her seat.   
  
"I was just thinking about that" Emily said with a laugh "Why did we ever rent anything if Ali just ended up hating all the choices anyway?"   
  
"I did it to piss her off" Spencer said with a smirk and playful shrug. "It always worked."   
  
Emily gasped, and then giggled shaking her head and smiling widely at her friend "You’ve always been something else, Spence. Different than the rest of us. I never understood why you were our friend."   
  
"Are you kidding me?" Spencer reached out and patted Emily's hand "I’m the one who always wondered why you guys wanted to be friends with me."   
  
"You’re a great friend. The best friend a girl could ask for. I don’t know how I would have survived without you" Emily was trying to keep her composure and speak calmly but all she could focus on was Spencer's hand on her own.    
  
"I don’t know how I would have survived without you guys. You especially" Spencer gave her a soft smile and nudged her gently with her shoulder. "Level headed Emily, the voice of reason. I’ve always loved that about you."   
  
Love? Did she just say love? No that’s not what she meant. Love for a best friend is what she meant. Emily nodded quickly so as to not expose what had just raced through her head. She offered a smile and returned the shoulder nudge. "Now where are the other two? All these years and they still can’t show up on time."   
  
As the two shared a laugh, Aria and Hanna finally arrived. The girls all greeted each other with hugs then chatted about the exciting things they had all been doing in preparation for the next step in their lives. After a half hour or so they had quieted and settled down a bit.   
  
"Alright ladies" Spencer said with a smile "Let us, for the last time maybe ever, start our movie night sleepover. Em" She turned and handed Emily the dvd case "If you wouldn’t mind?"   
  
"Aye aye" She gave a playful salute before moving to the tv and sliding the disc into the player. As the menu began to load, Spencer patted the bed next to her "Come on, you don’t want to miss the previews." And as Emily slid into her spot on the bed next to Spencer she felt fourteen again. As Hanna braided Aria's hair on the floor, Emily silently whimpered each time Spencer's arm brushed hers. This would be the last time Emily wouldn’t pay attention to a movie because of Spencer Hastings and that realization was too painful to bear.  


	3. Chapter 3

Emily was sprawled out on her bed, her head where her feet should go, her feet kicked up against the wall behind her headboard, and the stuffed shark clutched to her chest. Her eyes were glued to the ceiling, her fingers stroking the worn fin on the back of the plush toy, her entire face devoid of any real emotion as her mind raced with a million thoughts an hour. The night before had reminded her just how real college was and how close she was to moving away from her best friends and the girl she cared for more than anyone.

Closing her eyes, she drew in a deep breath, trying to calm herself and slow her thoughts. As she inhaled, the scent from the stuffed shark filled her nose and an overwhelming urge to cry suddenly hit her. That scent intoxicated her senses and in that moment everything went numb. Her stomach got warm, her toes curled slightly, and her heart began to race. This is what the essence of Spencer did to her.

She opened her eyes and lifted a hand, wiping a tear from her eye in an attempt to stop the floodgates from opening. Her blurry vision focused on the shark she held and through the tears that had built up she could see his little shark smile. Usually it calmed her down and even made her grin but not this time. This time she broke. Her eyes closed again and her body gave a jolt as a sob took over and spilled out, the tears that had been clinging to her lids now flowed freely down her cheeks.

“Hey, Em.” Paige walked into the room, a smile on her lips, and a box in her hand. “I thought we could catch some lunch…” She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw her girlfriend crying. Immediately fearing something was wrong, she set the box down and moved to the side of the bed. Her hand ran up Emily’s arm, cupping at her cheek quickly before gently brushing a tear away with her thumb. “What’s wrong, Em? Did something happen?”

“No” Emily shook her head quickly, drawing in a deep breath to try and calm herself down. She sat up and quickly started to wipe at her face with one of her hands. “I’m sorry I forgot you were coming over this early. I didn’t want you to see me this way.”

“Emily we all cry it’s okay. Are you going to tell me what happened? Because I’m kind of freaked out right now.” There was sincerity in Paige’s tone. She loved this girl and seeing her in pain of any sort just killed her.

“Nothing happened” Emily cleared her throat and avoided eye contact with Paige. She suddenly felt guilty. She was fretting leaving a girl who she wasn’t even dating. It wasn’t fair to Paige and yet she couldn’t bring herself to break up with Paige. It wouldn’t be right. Besides, Spencer could never return her feelings. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing” Paige said calmly, shaking her head and offering a tender smile as she shifted to sit next to Emily on the bed now. She wrapped her arm around her waist and pulled her until she felt her body leaning against her. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I..” Emily didn’t even know where to begin. She didn’t want to lie, Paige didn’t deserve that. She also didn’t want to tell anyone, ever, about how she felt about Spencer. It was just too painful to think of people knowing and thinking she was dumb for it. She didn’t want Paige to be suspicious, either. Emily did love Paige and they had been through so much together that breaking up with her had never crossed her mind. She couldn’t lie, though. There had been enough lying around her in her lifetime. So she opted for a vague truth. “It’s just that I am going to miss them so much.”

Paige just nodded and smiled softly. She figured this moment would come. After all that the four of them had been through over the years it wasn’t surprising to Paige to see Emily upset over them all parting ways. “Em, they’ve been like family to you for more years than you can count. There is no shame in feeling sad about moving away.”

“It’s not just moving away” Emily said with a shake of her head “What if we never talk again or see each other again? What if we lose each other forever? I don’t think I can live without them.”

“Now I know for a fact you can live without them. You’re Emily Fields, you are tough, you can live through anything. I’ve seen you live through some pretty extraordinary things, Em.” Paige’s fingers stroked up and down Emily’s back, trying to sooth her fears and ease her pain a bit.

“No” Emily sat upright now and turned to look Paige dead in the eyes “I can’t. My friends, these girls, are the only thing in my life I have never gone without. They have been there for me through the hardest times in my life. I can’t live without them.” What she really meant was she didn’t think she could survive a world where she didn’t get to see Spencer Hastings on a regular basis.

“Come on” Paige said with a shake of her head, a calm smile on her lips. “What about after Ali disappeared? You lived an entire year without them.”

“I was never without them” Emily whispered softly, her eyes closing as she leaned back into Paige. “Aria moved away but Han was still in school where I could see her or talk to her if I wanted. Spencer was still there. Even if we weren’t talking or hanging out, we were still together. We were all suffering silently but together. It brought us closer than anyone knew until the day Ali’s body was found.”

Paige never questioned their friendship and never tried to analyze it. The group of girls just seemed to be meant to be friends and that is all she understood, that’s all she needed to understand. She thought her friendship with the other girls was beautiful. It was amazing what their bond had withstood. So instead of trying to convince Emily she would be alright, she just decided to hold her, comfort her, and let the emotions run their course. She knew Emily would come to her senses and realize she could never lose her friends. “Shhh, Em, it’ll be okay.”

_ “Shhh, Em, it’ll be okay” Spencer’s hand rubbed Emily’s back tenderly, trying to calm her friend, and convince herself of the same thing all at once. “I’m sure Ali’s just run off with that older guy she was talking about. You know how she is. We didn’t take her seriously so she ran off for a few days to teach us a lesson. As soon as she thinks we are worried, she will come marching back in here with that smug grin on her lips telling us she told us so.” _

_ Ali had been gone for three days now and no one seemed to have a clue as to where she was. The girls had been questioned a million times, of course, and now family and other people around town that had known Alison were being bothered with questions. Alison’s family had even started to panic. _

_ “What if something bad happened to her?” Emily whimpered through her tears, her head buried so far against Spencer’s neck the words were barely audible. _

_ “Nothing bad happened” Spencer whispered against the side of Emily’s cheek. The Hasting’s had just finished dinner when Emily had knocked on the door, visibly upset. They were laying now on Spencer’s bed where Emily had flung herself, distraught and in a worried hysteria. “I’m sure she will show up Monday for school.” _

_ Emily shook her head again, her eyes clenching together more tightly, forcing that last tears she had managed to produce from her eyes. Her entire body hurt from crying and from worrying about her friend. “She’s never been gone this long. Not without contacting one of us to tell us she was alright and when she would be back at least.” _

_ “I know, Em” Spencer said with a nod, her eyes on her hand that ran up and down Emily’s back. She had somehow managed to get herself between Emily and the bed in order to comfort her friend and now it seemed she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. It was fine. Spencer didn’t mind at all. She would do anything for her friends, including holding them while they cried if need be. “You just have to have faith.” _

_ Emily took a deep breath in, Spencer’s perfume that she had applied in the morning still lingered on her skin and for a moment Emily felt calm. She nodded her head slightly and moved just enough to be able to look up at Spencer now. “Hey, Spence?” _

_ “Yeah, Em?” Spencer looked down at her friend with that gentle half smile that she always held when she was being caring.  _

_ Emily paused for a second in what she was going to say, distracted by the way Spencer’s eyes were looking right into hers. They were so bright and so soft, full of nothing but sincere concern for her friend. It made Emily blush a little though it was concealed by the fact that her face was completely red from crying so long. Realizing she was staring right into her friend’s eyes and probably looking like a love sick creep, she cleared her throat and whispered “Promise me you won’t ever leave me.” _

_ Spencer let out a very tender chuckle and shook her head “I can promise you I will never disappear just for attention, Em. It’s so not my style.” _

_ “No” Emily sniffled a little and spoke now with more determination in her eyes. “I mean it. Never leave me, okay? I could lose a lot and be alright but I don’t think I’d survive losing you.” _

_ Spencer was a little taken aback by the tone of Emily’s request. It sounded definite and filled with conviction. She didn’t foresee a situation where she would ever want to leave Emily and the others behind but she knew that wouldn’t appease Emily in this moment. So instead, she looked Emily right in the eyes without blinking and whispered the six words Emily needed to hear most in the world “I’ll be in your life forever.” _

_ And with those six words came both comfort and heartache because Emily knew that Spencer would never be in her life the way she truly wanted her to be. But settling for being her friend was better than telling her how she felt and losing her forever. _


	4. Chapter 4

_ "I don’t know" Emily shrugged over her math book. She was leaned over her book, her head on her hand, her elbow propped up on her desk, trying to understand the assignment. "How do you know which formula to use?" _ __   
__   
_ "You have to look at what you’re calculating" Spencer said from the bed where she had kicked back to read a magazine while Emily did homework. _ __   
__   
_ "And how do you figure that out?" Emily let out a frustrated sigh and turned around to give Spencer a pout. Unfortunately she wasn’t looking and it went unnoticed. _ __   
__   
_ "It asks for it in the problem, Em" She sat up now and looked at her friend. She caught the pout and laughed softly, giving a playful roll of her eyes. "I swear, Em. Do you pay attention in class?" _ __   
__   
_ "Sometimes" Emily said with a shrug and a smirk before turning back to her book. "I just get the formulas confused." _ __   
__   
_ "Here" Spencer slid off the bed and went over to the desk. She leaned into her left hand which she propped on the desk near Emily’s elbow and used her other hand to point to the book "See? Its asking for total area mass." _ __   
__   
_ Emily nodded but hadn’t actually heard a word she said. All she had been able to register was the fact that Spencer’s hand was now resting against her elbow, her breath was on her cheek when she spoke, and with how she was leaned over her chest was pressed into her back. She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. _ __   
__   
_ "Got it?" Spencer asked softly. _ __   
__   
_ "Huh?" Emily blinked and shook her head, trying to focus but finding it impossible. Every time Spencer moved she brushed her chest into her back. _ __   
__   
_ "Use this one here and substitute 500 for x" Spencer nodded, her tone laced with patience, knowing Emily and math didn’t always get along. _ __   
__   
_ "Yeah" Emily whispered and closed her eyes again. She nodded her head slowly and was glad Spencer couldn’t see how flustered she had become. She licked her lips and opened her eyes, determined to focus. _ __   
__   
_ "There you go" Spencer smiled, standing upright now and putting both hands on Emily’s shoulders, giving them a little rub. "I knew you’d get it." _ __   
__   
_ "Thanks" Emily whimpered and put pencil to paper but nothing happened. Spencer’s hands were on her shoulders, the only thing she could focus on were the goosebumps covering her skin now. _ __   
__   
_ Luckily Spencer didn’t notice her lack of writing. Her eyes had lifted out the window now and a smile had taken over her features. "Toby’s home." _ __   
__   
_ Emily’s eyes fluttered open and she looked up slowly. When she realized what Spencer had said, she quickly cleared her throat and nodded "Oh yeah. He told me to tell you he would be home around now and then he would be over here soon after." _ __   
__   
_ Spencer stepped away from Emily now and closer to the window. She waved through the glass and bit her lip when she saw Toby do the same. A happy sigh escaped her lips and she turned back to look at her friend "I really appreciate you letting us meet up and hang out here. My parents aren’t exactly on the Toby train yet." _ __   
__   
_ Emily just nodded and lifted a single shoulder in a shrug "Yeah of course. I mean you help me with my homework, it’s the least I can do." _ __   
__   
_ "You’re the best, Emily" Spencer’s tone was soft, her eyes on Emily in that moment showing more gratitude than Emily might have ever seen in Spencer. It made her heart flutter slightly. The way Spencer could just look at her made the world seem like a better place. _ __   
__   
_ Emily just shook her head and looked back to her math book "Nah just trying to do the right thing. Who am I to stand in the way of love?" _ __   
__   
_ Spencer chewed her lower lip and rocked forward on her toes a bit, nodding her head with a giddy school girl expression taking over her face. "I think you’re right. About the love, I mean. I think I might love him." _ __   
__   
__ "That’s awesome, Spence" Emily put on a fake smile for her friend before turning her attention back to her homework. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath before letting out a heavy sigh. Love wasn’t always great. When the person you love has no idea you love them, it could be the worst thing in the world .   
  
"Kind of quiet over there, Em" Spencer’s soft voice broke the silence of the engine that hummed evenly as the vehicle moved down the road.   
  
Emily blinked and shook her head before smiling over at Spencer in the driver seat "Sorry. I was just thinking."   
  
"You don’t say?" Spencer acted surprised at that although she could tell that’s what she had been doing from a mile away. Emily always got a serious look when she was deep in thought. "Going to share what had your mind working so hard?"   
  
Emily smiled softly and shrugged shyly "I was just thinking about how you used to help me with my homework."   
  
Spencer laughed softly at that "Why?" She glanced at her friend with a curious smirk "Going to miss it now that we will be in two different schools?"   
  
"No" Emily shook her head quickly. She laughed immediately and nodded "I mean yes of course I will miss it but not because of the grades. I was just thinking I’m going to miss hanging out with you so much." She shrugged and looked down to her lap, biting at her lip softly, hoping Spencer didn’t think that was a weird statement.   
  
"Don’t worry about that" Spencer reached over and patted Emily’s hand tenderly "we're not going to be that far away. Besides, there’s always skype."   
  
"Not the same" Emily said with a sad smile, her eyes on Spencer’s hand on top of her own. The urge to turn her palm up and lace their fingers together was almost too much to bear.   
  
"Trust me, Em" Spencer said softly, her hand now gripping lightly at Emily’s "I’ll still always be there for you, no matter what. Remember what I told you? I'll be in your life forever."   
  
Emily nodded and worried her teeth along her lower lip. Never had the urge to blurt out 'And I’ll be in love with you forever' been stronger than in that moment.


	5. Chapter 5

“I really appreciate you driving me down to my dorm this weekend, Spence” Emily smiled softly at her friend once they rounded the back of the Hasting’s SUV they had been riding in the last few hours. “When my parents told me they wouldn’t be able to make it back from Texas to help me I was pretty upset.”

“It’s no big deal, Em” Spencer returned the smile with a shrug as she popped the back hatch of the vehicle where all of Emily’s boxes had been packed. “Toby is back in Philadelphia finishing up the repairs on our apartment so we can move in next weekend. It’s not like I would have any fun sitting around listening to hammers and saws all day anyway.”

Emily nodded and reached for one of the boxes on the top and pulled it toward her. “Are you excited to be living with him? That’s kind of a big step isn’t it?”

Spencer gave a dreamy half smile and lifted a single shoulder in a shrug as she reached for a box as well “It is, but I think we’re ready. I mean, Toby has pretty much been living on his own for two years now anyway. He has a good job in the city and he fully supports me going to school.” Spencer nodded and looked up to Emily “I think it’ll be good. Besides, living in the dorms is so not my style.”

“Heaven forbid Spencer Hastings be forced to share a closet sized room and a commons area!” Emily gasped playfully as she picked up her box, flashing her friend a sarcastic grin.

“That is not what I meant! I heard horror stories from Melissa when she was at school. If I had to share a room with a weirdo who saved her own hair to make scarves I would never get any work done.” Spencer trembled at the thought then picked up her box and followed Emily.

“Right. It has nothing to do with the plush life of comfort you’d be leaving behind.” Emily rolled her eyes and gave Spencer a nudge with her elbow.

“Fine” Spencer shrugged and let out a laugh “I don’t trust dorms I think they are dirty and inhumane.”

“Thanks a lot” Emily said with a gasping laugh escaping her lips. “Now I know how you really feel!”

“I am sure the dorms here are nice!” Spencer bit her lip, fighting a laugh as they walked through a courtyard to the building Emily would be living in that year. The girls looked around at the buildings in silence for a moment before Spencer glanced back at Emily and smiled “What about you and Paige? Did you ever think about getting a place together off campus?”

“Thought about it” Emily said with a shrug “But all freshmen on the team have to room with an upperclassmen in the dorms their first year, team rules I guess?” Emily stopped in front of a building now and dug around for the keycode she had been given with her move-in packet of information. Once she found it, she typed it in, and the door opened for them. She pulled it open and let Spencer in ahead of her before following closely behind her.

“What floor are you on?” Spencer asked as she started toward the stairs.

“The second” Emily said with a nod “Which sucks because Paige is on the fourth.”

“That bites” Spencer said with a shake of her head “You can’t even sneak down the hallway in the middle of the night for a little late night hanky panky!”

“Spence!” Emily squeaked as her cheeks turned a bright red. 

“What? It’s been almost two years on again for you two. Are you trying to tell me you two haven’t rounded third base?”

“A personal question dressed in a sports metaphor?” Emily perked an eyebrow and shook her head “Spencer Hastings, I thought you were a lady!”

“I am” Spencer rolled her eyes and laughed “But even this lady has grown into a woman.”

Emily just rolled her eyes, still blushing slightly, but glad for the distraction of having to unlock her dorm room at that moment. She did not want to be discussing their sex lives mostly because she did not want to picture Spencer with anyone but herself. But she quickly shook that thought out of her head and set her box down and dug out her key.

Once inside the room, the girls both looked around for a moment before setting their boxes on the one of the empty beds. Emily smiled slightly and brushed her hands off before stuffing them into her pockets “Looks like my roommate hasn’t arrived yet. I don’t think they have to be here until next week anyway. Something about Freshmen orientation behind earlier than the rest of the upperclassmen.” She shrugged and motioned for Spencer to follow her out so they could go get more boxes.

“Where is Paige, anyway?” Spencer asked as they headed down the stairs again.

“Nick is having her stuff professionally moved down this weekend so that she can spend her last weekend at home with the family before going off to college.” Emily gave a little smile then shrugged.

“Nick?” Spencer perked an eyebrow curiously.

Emily let out a laugh “Like you said, it’s been almost two years on again. You tend to reach a personal level with not only your girlfriend, but her family.”

“Personal level” Spencer mumbled with a smirk.

Emily rolled her eyes and nudged Spencer with her shoulder “Yes, personal level! You are a leech! Fine, yes, Paige and I are on a very personal level. Is that what you want to hear?”

“Was that so hard to admit?” Spencer said with a laugh “I figured as much, I see how you two look at each other and the way you can’t keep your hands to yourself. I just wanted confirmation.”

“Sherlock Hastings solves another case.” Emily mumbled sarcastically before reaching for another box out of the back of the SUV when they reached the vehicle again. “At least this time you weren’t blindly accusing Paige of something. You had good evidence this go around.”

“Touché” Spencer said with a laugh “Fair enough, Fields.”

The girls spent the rest of the day moving the boxes from the car to the dorm, laughing together over old memories, and talking about what the future held for the both of them. When they finally had all the boxes unloaded from the car, Spencer offered to go pick up some pizza from them while Emily started to unpack.

_ “I am so proud of you, Emily!” Mrs. Fields was beaming from ear to ear, looking over her daughter’s shoulder at the letter she held in her hands. “I knew you could get scholarship! It was hard living away from you but it was worth it. I am so glad we let you stay in Rosewood!” _

_ Emily was in shock. She hadn’t blinked since she had read the letter through. She was going to go to college on a swimming scholarship. She didn’t think it would ever happen. She had applied to several different schools and talked to a lot of scouts but she hadn’t thought any of it would pan out like this. But now she was going to college to swim. It was everything she had ever wanted and worked for. _

_ “I need to call your father and tell him!” Her mom was still bouncing excitedly. She kissed Emily’s forehead then ran off to the living room to get her laptop and make the call to Mr. Fields.  _

_ Emily just stared at the letter. She stared for longer than she could say before finally she smiled. She was going to college as a swimmer! She started to laugh a little, her head shaking, and her eyes skimming over the words again and again. She was finally regaining the feeling in her limbs and she immediately reached for her phone. She scrolled through her phonebook then she paused on Paige. Her finger hovered over the call button and she stared at it for a moment before shaking her head, scrolling down a little more, taking a breath, and smiling as she pressed call. _

_ “Spencer, hey, guess what?” She bit her lip, fighting a smile as her friend’s curious voice filled her ear. She nodded and took a deep breath “I got in. I’m going to be a swimmer in college!” _

“I’m back, Em” Spencer pushed the door open, fumbling a little with the bag of stuff dangling from her wrist, the pizza box in one hand, and her keys in the other but she managed to get inside the dorm room.

Emily sat up quickly from where she had been laying on the bed, hiding the stuffed shark behind her back and under her pillow in a swift movement hoping Spencer hadn’t seen him. “Here, let me help!” She stood up like a shot and held her hands out for Spencer to pass the pizza to her. “Did you find everything alright?”

“Thanks to my GPS. I have no idea how people found their way around before it was invented.” Spencer laughed and unloaded the bag of goodies onto the bed then set her keys on the nightstand. “I got plates, some napkins, and something for us to drink too.”

“Everything we need for a first meal” Emily giggled and sat down on her bed, opening the pizza box while Spencer unwrapped the paper plates. Once they each had a plate and a slice they both settled onto Emily’s bed, legs crossed, facing each other.

“Here’s to new beginnings” Spencer raised her slice in a cheers motion, giving Emily a soft smile. “I’m proud of you, Em.”

“Thanks” Emily blushed slightly and lifted her slice in a return cheers before lifting it to her mouth. She watched as Spencer took a bite then glanced around as she chewed. A soft smile came to Emily’s lips because in that moment she knew there was no one else in the world she would rather be sharing her first meal at college with than Spencer Hastings.


	6. Chapter 6

_ “You’re doing it wrong, Hastings. The long rod goes through the middle.” Paige let out a huff of frustration and reached for the top of the tent “Here, take it out, let me do it.” _

_ “Paige” Spencer hissed, pulling the tent away from Paige’s reach and scowling “I read the instructions, I’m not an idiot, let me finish it please. Go help the girls unpack everything.” _

_ “They’re fine” Paige glanced over her shoulder to see the other girls unloading coolers and sleeping bags from the back of the SUV. She turned back to look at Spencer and shook her head “That one is the top rod that holds the rain and sun piece over the openings in the top of the tent.” _

_ Spencer growled and ripped the rod out of Paige’s helping hand once more “Just because you’re a lesbian does not mean you know everything when it comes to physical outdoorsy stuff. Now please let me do it.” _

_ “No, the fact that I used to go camping at least six times a summer when I was younger means I know everything when it comes to physical outdoorsy stuff.” Paige stepped around Spencer and bent down to grab another rod from the pile and started working it until it was fully constructed. She turned and offered the end to Spencer “I’m telling you how easy it is. Lay the tent flat, slide this and the other longest rod through the hooks, cross them in the middle, and put the pins in the ends. After that, all you have to do is pull them up and the tent will stand.” _

_ “Paige, it said use rod B to stabilize the middle.” Spencer threw down the rod and tent and turned around to look at the girl “Stop butting in.” _

_ “I’m trying to help. Stop being a stubborn know-it-all and admit you’re wrong and need help.” _

_ “Stop being an annoying tagalong and let me pitch the fricken tent.” Spencer swatted the rod out of Paige’s hand and stepped around her to grab the instructions again to double check them. _

_ “Is that how you feel about me?” Paige said with a frown, her arms crossing over her chest, and her face falling into a frown. “I told Emily I didn’t have to come. I know this is a friends thing. I know you haven’t always been my biggest fan, Spencer, but I thought we were past all that.” _

_ Spencer closed her eyes and sighed, shaking her head a bit before looking up at Paige. “We are, I’m sorry. I just…snap when I get frustrated.” She shrugged and motioned to the tent with a frown “I don’t want to be sleeping on the dirt tonight.” _

_ “I get it” Paige offered a soft smile and shrugged “Spencer Hastings likes to be the best at everything she does.” She put up her finger to stop Spencer, who had opened her mouth to argue, from speaking, nodding her head as she continued “But it won’t kill you to ask for help, I promise. And I totally won’t tell the girls I was the one who knew how to do it and you weren’t. It could be our little secret.” She cocked her head to the side a bit, arched an eyebrow in silent questioning if it was a deal, and then motioned to the tent with a nod. _

_ Spencer rolled her eyes in surrender and let out a laugh “Fine but no gloating.” _

_ “Only private jokes no one else will get” Paige put a hand to her heart and lifted her other hand as if she were taking an oath. _

_ “Lovely” Spencer mumbled playfully before letting out a laugh and turning her attention back to the tent. With Paige’s help and direction it wasn’t long before the tent was erect and ready for the night. _

_ “You girls are amazing” Emily said with a smile, her arms sliding around Paige’s waist from behind as she placed a kiss to the back of her shoulder. “I am horrible with tents so it’s a good thing that wasn’t my job or we would be sleeping on the dirt.” _

_ “It was all Spence” Paige shrugged, her head turning to look at Emily who had placed her chin on her shoulder now “I just followed her direction.” _

_ “It’s nice having a genius for a friend” Hanna said with a smile as she sat down on one of the logs that surrounded the fire pit. “We would be out in the cold if not for her.” _

_ “How did we get so lucky?” Aria said with a laugh, tossing some sticks onto the flames to help build it up a bit more. After setting up the tent, Paige had taught Spencer how to build a fire as well so the girls wouldn’t freeze that night. _

_ “Fate” Spencer said with a soft smile, glancing at Paige and sharing a secret wink before looking back at the fire as well. _

_ “Fate” Emily said with a soft laugh “It’s funny the things fate has brought us, isn’t it?” She looked at Paige, who smiled, and as soon as she looked away Emily’s eyes found Spencer and her smile faded to a slight frown before looking down at her feet then back up quickly at everyone “I love you all so much” Her eyes lingered on Spencer a moment before moving back across the group” and even if fate or life or karma or whatever else has been a bitch to us I know it was worth it because I get to have all of you in my life.” _

_ “Aw Em you’re such a sap” Spencer gave her a teasing wink then reached into the cooler “Alright now, who wants marshmallows!” _

Emily smiled as her thumb ran over the glass of the picture frame she was holding in her hand of the five of them on that camping trip the summer between junior and senior year.

“Why so quiet over there?” Spencer asked with her back to Emily as she put a few things from one of Emily’s boxes on the built in shelving unit in her dorm.

“I found a picture of us” Emily said with a smile, turning around now and getting to her feet. She held the frame out to Spencer who had turned too. As soon as she saw the picture, she let out a soft laugh.

“Oh my god I remember this trip! Aria got so bitten by mosquitoes she swelled up for weeks after, remember? We thought she was going to be small and round forever.” Spencer was laughing as her eyes twinkled with the memory.

“Poor thing” Emily said with a soft laugh. “I never told you this” she said softly, looking up and smiling when Spencer’s eyes lifted to meet hers in anticipation of the story “But Paige told me about the tent, and the fire, and the fishing gear.”

Spencer’s eyes narrowed and she shook her head “That traitor. I knew she couldn’t be trusted.”

Emily laughed and nudged Spencer, which caused her to laugh as well “Oh come on, do you really think any of us believed you knew how to do all that camping stuff? You’re a Hastings. The most outdoorsy you got was walking from your house to the barn in your yard. Whenever we had a fire, Alison started it. I know you said you always let her because she liked to be in charge, but we all knew you had no idea how to.”

“You did?” Spencer gasped in surprise then laughed “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because” Emily said with a sweet grin on her lips, her eyes locked on Spencer’s “You have such pride about everything you do. Even when you have no idea what you are doing, you stand by it like your life depended on it. It’s kind of cute.”

“Cute?” Spencer asked as an eyebrow arched on her forehead “What are you trying to say you have some sort of crush on me because I’m smart, good at a lot of things, and even better at faking it when I’m wrong?”

Emily blushed so red there was no denying that the words had hit home. She tried to play it off with a quick shake of her head and turning her back to go back to the box of things she had been unpacking when she found the picture to busy her hands now “Oh you wish I had a crush on you, that would just boost your Hastings ego all the more, wouldn’t it? Being smart, funny, fashionable, and irresistible to both boys and girls.” She let out a forced teasing laugh and rolled her eyes “You’re not that great, Spencer Hastings.”

And just like the rest of the girls did when Spencer faked knowing what was going on, Spencer faked believing Emily. She knew her friend all too well and not only the blush but the avoidance, change of subject, and fact that she had become fidgety was a dead giveaway. Emily was a horrible liar and all the signs were there now. She laughed to break the ice and set the picture down on the nightstand near Emily’s bed “So I was thinking since your roommate isn’t here yet, I don’t need to stay at the hotel tonight. I mean, if it’s okay with you, I can just stay in the empty bed?”

“Sure” Emily said with a smile, biting her lip and taking a deep breath to try and push the red out of her cheeks. It took her a moment but she was finally able to turn and look over her shoulder at her friend again “I have plenty of extra blankets and pillows so it’s no problem at all. And it’s the least I can do for you since you’ve driven all the way down here and helped me unpack. You didn’t have to do that.”

“What are you talking about?” Spencer rolled her eyes and went over to Emily’s bed where the bedding had all been tossed when it had been unpacked “It’s no big deal, I told you. Besides, once orientation starts for me everything is going to get hectic and who knows when we will actually get to see each other again. We might only be an hour and a half away from each other but that hour and a half each way is going to seem like a mountain when exams are on the horizon and papers are due.”

“I know” Emily said with a frown “But we will make time to see each other when we can, right?”

“Totally” Spencer said with a smile as she scooped up a blanket and turned to toss it across to the empty bed. She turned back and reached for a pillow, lifting it from the bed, and then pausing when she saw something familiar. She perked and eyebrow and reached down to pick up the small stuffed shark “You still have this?”

“Hmm?” Emily hummed in question, her back turned as she reached to set some books on her nightstand. When she turned to see what Spencer was talking about, she got to her feet so fast she nearly jumped right out of her skin, and snatched the shark away from her. “Oh, that.” She fumbled to find a reason, any reason, that she had brought that with her. “I guess it just fell into one of my boxes. Paige helped me pack she probably put it in there as a joke. Ha ha look at the freshman who still has a stuffed animal.” Emily rolled her eyes and put the shark behind her back trying to keep a straight face as she looked at Spencer “I’ll have to get her back.”

“You’re blushing” Spencer said with a smile, laughing softly as she reached around Emily’s back and snatched the animal back “You brought this on purpose, didn’t you?”

“No that would be lame” Emily shook her head quickly, her heart pounding so hard in her chest she was almost sure Spencer could see her pulse racing.

“You’re a horrible liar” Spencer said with a smile, looking down at the shark now and running her hand over it. “Wow this has been through some rough days. Where is it’s other eye?”

Emily bit her lip and looked down at her feet. She drew in a deep breath and laughed, shaking her head as her eyes lifted again to meet Spencer’s “First of all he is not an it he is a he and his name is Cer.”

“Sir shark?” Spencer perked an eyebrow “You named him?”

“Cer” Emily corrected her and took the stuffed animal back from her “C-E-R. And yes I named him. He needed a name I couldn’t just call him shark.”

“That’s an odd name” Spencer said with a shrug “Didn’t I give him to you freshman year?”

“Yeah. After my first swim meet” She looked down at the familiar glass eye that had comforted her through a lot of hard times and smiled. “He’s kind of been my good luck charm and my go to when no one else was there. He’s a great listener.”

Spencer bit back a laugh and just nodded her head slowly. She knew Emily was a little naïve and cute that way but this kind of took the cake.

Emily rolled her eyes and let out a sigh “Shut up, we all cope in different ways.” She put the shark on top of the pillow that was still on her bed then folded her arms across her chest.

“Please don’t say anything to the other girls. I mean Hanna has a ton of stuffed animals in her room so she probably wouldn’t laugh. I caught her having a tea party with them once. And Aria probably wouldn’t laugh either, it’s just…” She shrugged and looked at the shark then back to Spencer “He means a lot to me, like a lot a lot, and I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Come on, it’s cute” Spencer said with a smile “Who knew the one thing you’d hang on to the longest was a little stuffed shark from little old me.” She gave her a wink then nudged by her playfully to put her pillow on the other bed now.

Emily just nodded and bit her lower lip as her eyes fell to the shark on her bed. If only Spencer knew what that little stuffed shark meant to her. It was a symbol of everything good in her life. It was a symbol of support from a friend, a reminder of the amazing person she had in her life, and a torturous relic of the love she felt but would never have returned to her.

“Change every race?” Spencer asked, interrupting Emily’s thoughts.

“What?” Emily perked an eyebrow and laughed as she sat back down in front of the box she had been unpacking.

“I’m trying to figure out what C-E-R means.” Spencer said with a shrug “Has to do with swimming, right? Something inspirational like a mantra or saying you heard somewhere?”

Emily opened her mouth to speak then stopped and shook her head with a smirk “You’ll never guess.” She knew saying that would not only drive Spencer crazy at not knowing but also keep the real meaning nice and safe while Spencer rambled off acronyms as to what the letters could potentially stand for. If she was lucky Spencer would never put two and two together. It was times like this Emily was glad Spencer was a horrible detective.


	7. Chapter 7

Emily yawned and rolled over in her bed. The sun was now hitting her directly on the face and she squinted with her eyes closed and hid her face in the pillow. She has been so exhausted from the night before that sleeping in a new bed in a new place had been no problem at all. It wasn’t until she felt her feet hit the end of the mattress that she even remembered she wasn’t in her bed at home.

She lifted her head off her pillow and blinked open her eyes a few times before focusing on the wall in front of her. It was blank with no pictures hanging from it. She wasn’t at home, that was for sure. She turned her head to the side and saw the bed across the room from her and immediately remembered she was in her dorm. She sat up quickly and rubbed her eyes, glancing around the room. She still had a lot to do but Spencer had helped her a lot the day before.

Spencer. She smiled at the thought of her friend slumbering just a few feet away and got to her feet. “Hey Spence” Emily said softly, her voice a bit groggy with sleep still. “Spencer, wake up. Let’s get dressed and go get breakfast.” It wasn’t until she was just a step away from the bed that she realized the bunch of blanket on the bed had been tossed aside and there was no Spencer to be found.

Her heart dropped and she quickly turned around, searching the room for a clue from her friend as to where she might have gone.

_ “She’s gone” Spencer said with a slight shake of her head and a dumbfounded look on her face. _

_ “What do you mean she’s gone?” Aria asked softly with worry starting to fill her face. _

_ “I’ve looked everywhere for her.” Spencer looked from Aria to Hanna and Emily behind her and back again, her expression blank, almost like she had seen a ghost “I think I heard her scream.” _

Emily’s hand was shaking as she scrolled through her phone to find Spencer’s number. It wasn’t like her to leave without leaving a note. Just as she was about to push call, the door to the dorm opened and Spencer stepped through with a smile on her face.

“Oh good, you’re up! I did a little research for you so you will know where to find the best coffee on campus.” She saw the look on Emily’s face and she immediately frowned “Em, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing” Emily said with a quick shake of her head as she drew in a deep breath to try and calm her thundering heart.

“You look about as pale as Casper” Spencer said softly, her face full of worry. “Did something happen?”

“No” Emily brushed her hand over her cheek to push the messy bed head out of her face before putting on a forced smile “I just…” She felt dumb now. She looked down at her phone then folded her arms and looked back to Spencer with a shrug “I woke up and you weren’t here..”

“Oh honey” Spencer set down the carrier that had coffee in it and the bag of doughnuts she had brought and went right over to Emily. She slid her arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug. Everyone knew that Emily still had issues with waking up alone. If you didn’t wake her to tell her you were leaving or leave her a note to find in the morning she panicked a little. “I am so sorry, Em, I didn’t even think about it.”

“It’s okay” Emily shook her head “It’s stupid, I should be over it by now.”

“No, no, shhhh it’s not stupid.” Spencer rubbed Emily’s back softly and rocked from side to side, just trying to calm the girl down. “I should have left a note. I didn’t even think I would be gone as long as I was. It was my fault.”

Emily clung to Spencer tightly, her fingers gripping the back of her shirt as if she were afraid she would disappear if she let go. “I knew you wouldn’t leave. I just had a moment. I’m sorry.”

“Shhh” Spencer pulled back from the hug enough to move both hands to Emily’s cheeks and cup her face. She brought her eyes up and locked them in an intense gaze with Emily “You have nothing to apologize for. Something very traumatic in your life happened and it all started the day one of your best friends disappeared out of thin air with no explanation. No one blames you for freaking out a little bit every now and then.”

Emily nodded her head and bit her lip as she stared into Spencer’s eyes. She had always been so keen on taking care of her. She helped with her homework, she let Emily cling to her when she was scared, and she was always the first to visit and last to leave when Emily was sick. There was no wondering why Emily had fallen so in love with this girl.

“You okay now?” Spencer said with a smile, her hands still gently holding onto Emily’s face so she couldn’t look away from her, her thumbs gently stroking along her cheeks. 

“I think so, yeah” Emily gave a quick smile and nodded in Spencer’s hands.

“Good because I have so much to tell you.” She finally let Emily’s face slip from her hands in order to turn around and retrieve the coffee she had sat on the dresser in order to comfort Emily. 

Emily’s cheeks tingled where Spencer’s fingers had been and she fought the urge to lift her hand and caress the spot as if she were actually caressing Spencer’s hand.

“So” Spencer turned around and offered a cup of coffee to Emily “Now there is a coffee kiosk just around the corner from your building, it has a green roof, but it’s terrible coffee. So although it’s close, I wouldn’t frequent it.” She shook her head then took a sip from her cup “But if you go a bit further toward the science building there is one with a blue roof…” She nodded proudly and lifted her cup as if to indicate that is where the coffee had come from “A thousand times better.”

“Noted” Emily said with a smile, licking her lips of the taste from the coffee. It was really good. Not as good as Spencer’s famous swimming pool sized cups of coffee but good enough of a substitute. 

“And there’s a Dunkin Donuts just around the corner off campus” Spencer lifted the bag now and smiled. She opened it up and reached inside, taking out a breakfast sandwich and handing it over to Emily. “Not that I assume you will be eating a lot of fast food breakfast once you start training with the team but a little cheat now and then is totally acceptable.” She laughed and pulled out her own food before moving to sit next to Emily on the side of her bed. 

The girls were silent as they enjoyed their breakfast together. It was still pretty early in the day so neither of them was in a rush. Spencer didn’t have to leave to get back to Philly until late afternoon and she had fully intended to take the campus tour with Emily before she left.

Around noon there was knock on the door and they were greeted by the tour guide for new freshmen athletes. They joined a small group of other new students and were shown how to navigate the campus. It wasn’t a huge school but it was a lot bigger than anything Emily had ever seen so she was grateful for the tour. Spencer took notes, of course, telling Emily she was better safe than sorry. Once the tour ended and they were let go, the girls started the short walk back to Emily’s dorm.

“Wait” Spencer changed directions and pulled on Emily’s hand so she would follow. She had found the campus bookstore and pulled Emily inside to explore. “Impressive” She said with a nod as she looked around. Sure, her own campus bookstore would probably blow this one out of the water but it wasn’t too bad for a small school. “Now remember where this is, it’s going to be your best friend. Not only for books but study guides and signup sheets for group study sessions and get togethers for people in the same classes to compare notes.” She stopped in front of the bulletin board and gave Emily a smile “See? There are already things going on for you to sign up for!”

Emily laughed very softly and nodded her head “Should I put up an ad for freshmen who didn’t pay attention on the tour? I bet I could sell your notes for a few bucks.” 

“Funny” Spencer growled and handed over the notebook “You laugh now but you will be calling me later to thank me for saving your butt.”

“My butt is already grateful, trust me.” Emily gave Spencer a wink and nudged her before turning toward the door “Let’s get back to my dorm.”

“Wait” Spencer walked up to a pile of new school apparel for the fall. Her fingers glided over a few items then stopped on a sweater. She lifted it up and smiled, turning to show Emily “What do you think?”

“I get more clothes than I can wear from the swim team. They love having their logo all over their athletes.” Emily laughed and rolled her eyes. How cheesy was it that Spencer wanted to buy her a school sweater? Very. Cute, but cheesy.

“Not for you” Spencer rolled her eyes then held it up to herself, eyeing it against her chest “For me! I won’t be able to go to all your meets but I still want to be able to support you when I can’t be there in person.”

Emily was pretty sure she felt her heart melt right there on the spot. If she wasn’t already secretly madly in love with her she would be now. She managed to bite back a smile but her eyes gave her away as she stared at Spencer. There was no denying what that gesture meant to her “I think that’s awesome.”

Spencer smiled warmly then nodded her head “It’s a deal then. Give me a second to pay for it and we will be on our way.”

Emily nodded quickly and watched Spencer find someone to ring her up. She sighed softly as a dopey grin spread over her lips. She watched Spencer smile sweetly to the woman taking her money and even proudly boast about her friend Emily who was on the swim team. Emily just shook her head and looked at her feet for a moment, trying to calm her racing heart. No one had ever made Emily feel as special as Spencer did and she wondered how she was going to do without that once they were apart.

“Let’s go” Spencer said with a smile as she slid the sweater over her head and let it hang on her body. She slid her arm through Emily’s then looked down at herself with a nod “How does it look?”

“Amazing” Emily breathed out softly, trying not to tremble at the fact that Spencer was holding onto her, wearing her school colors proudly. It was moments like this she wished she could shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone, including Spencer, how she felt. Then as she looked up from inspecting the sweater, she was met with Spencer’s eyes having been watching her. Her entire body went warm and before she could stop it from happening she was leaning in and pressing her lips to Spencer’s.

Spencer paused for a moment, mostly out of shock, before she blinked and pulled back from the brief kiss. “Em, what the-?”

“Oh my god” Emily covered her mouth and quickly backed away from Spencer, staring in horror at what she had just done. She shook her head and before Spencer could ask again, she blurted out “I’m so sorry” then turned and ran from the bookstore as fast as she could, hoping beyond hope that she could run fast enough to rotate the Earth backwards so she could go back in time and not kiss Spencer Hastings.


	8. Chapter 8

_ “Do me a favor? Hook it for me, would you?” Alison turned her back to Emily now, sliding the straps of her bra over her shoulders.  _

_ Emily paused for a moment before stepping behind Alison. She pulled the girl’s still wet hair to the side and over her shoulder before her fingers reached out to grasp both sides of the hook to pull and fasten them together. A quick glance up and Emily couldn’t help herself. She had seen Alison toy with boys like this all the time, making them do something for her to bring them closer so she could seduce them to get her way. Emily thought it was Alison opening the door for her. Gently her hand lifted to rest on her shoulder before slowly she leaned in and placed a kiss against her neck. _

_ “What are you doing?” Alison whipped around with shock on her face. _

_ “N-nothing I j-just..”  _

_ “You just what?” Alison snarled as she spoke now “Just because we kissed in the library Emily doesn’t mean I’m into you like that.” _

_ Emily blinked a few times, her face showing the pain and embarrassment she was feeling. _

_ “A kiss is a kiss. I like boys.” _

Emily wiped a tear from her eye and shook her head, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I am such an idiot” She whispered to herself. She couldn’t believe she had let herself kiss Spencer! How could she have been so careless? And now Spencer was probably freaked out and never going to talk to her again. She was just brilliant when it came to inappropriately kissing people.

“Emily” Spencer knocked on the door of her dorm now, chewing her bottom lip as she waited for a response. She had been pacing outside the door for ten minutes now trying to collect her thoughts and talk herself through how she was going to approach her friend.

“Go away” Emily called out toward the door. Just the sound of Spencer’s voice set her heart racing and her body trembling. She was actually there, outside her door, and wanting to talk? Great. Facing Spencer was the last thing she thought she would have to do.

“Come on, Em” Spencer leaned her head against the door and tapped her knuckles into it a few times lightly “Let me in, let’s talk about it.”

“I don’t want to!” Emily turned her back toward the door and clutched the pillow closer to her chest, burying her face against it and wishing she could just disappear.

Spencer drew in a deep breath and shook her head slightly “Look, Emily, it’s no big deal okay? We’re all a little emotional right now and stressed and things are changing in our lives. It’s normal for emotions to be a little out of control and one moment you are doing something completely unexpected.”

Emily rolled her eyes and looked over her shoulder at the door. Completely unexpected? She had a really hard time believing Spencer was that naïve. They just never talked about the way Emily looked at Spencer or how she was the first one she went to when things got tough. They danced around it because Emily was too embarrassed and Spencer was too straight. “Please Spencer, go away.”

Spencer put her hand flat against the door and smiled a little bit “Fine, I’ll leave if that’s really what you want…” She paused and waited for Emily to argue. When she surprisingly didn’t, she rolled her eyes “But my stuff is in there.”

Crap. Emily looked up and sure enough Spencer’s overnight bag and car keys were right there next to the bed mocking her. This was a no win situation. The last thing she wanted to do right now was look at Spencer. She didn’t want to see the disgust in her friend’s eyes. She couldn’t even stomach looking at her now knowing that her secret was out. Things would never be the same again.

“Fine” Spencer interrupted Emily’s thoughts “I can walk home. It’s not that long of a walk. If I walk seven miles an hour and there’s roughly eighty miles from here to Philly it will only take me just over eleven hours to get there. That is, of course, assuming I don’t stop for breaks, food, water, and don’t get picked up by a psycho or killed on the way there.”

“Oh my god” Emily got up off the bed, grabbed Spencer’s stuff, went to the door, and opened it quickly. She dropped it at Spencer’s feet and quickly pushed the door closed again.

Spencer slipped her hand between the door and the wall and caught it before it closed. She pushed it open and stepped inside despite Emily trying to force the door closed between them. “Emily you are acting like a child!”

“Spencer, I don’t want to talk about it can’t you just take no for an answer?” Emily’s frustration and embarrassment was building and tears were starting to form in her eyes.

“Not in this case” Spencer huffed and pushed herself into the room completely before Emily managed to slam the door shut.

Emily fell against the door and looked up, instantly taken over with terror when she realized she was in the same room with Spencer and she was looking right at her, arms folded, expecting answers. “Spence, look-“

“It’s okay” Spencer lifted her hands up to halt the false explanation that Emily was about to launch into. She shrugged her shoulders and gave her a little smile “It’s okay. It was a heat of the moment type of thing. We’ve had a good weekend, you’re going to miss me, we’re really good friends. Things like this happen.”

“Really?” Emily folded her arms now and looked at Spencer like she was an alien. “So you just kiss your friends randomly? How many times have you and Aria kissed? How about you and Hanna? Do you just have make out sessions on occasion to celebrate being friends?”

“Emily” Spencer rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. She shrugged her shoulders and lifted a hand to the side, waving it in a circle before dropping it to her leg “Fine. I don’t know what to say. I am trying to make this as least awkward for you as possible.”

“For me? You’re the straight one.”

“And you’re the one that kissed me” Spencer said with a shrug “Straight or gay doesn’t really have much conscious thought to it but kissing someone?” She nodded and shrugged a single shoulder as if proving her point. “You’re the one who did. I was just being.”

“Why are you talking to me like Ben Franklin right now?” Emily mumbled, putting a hand over her face to hide her shame. “And what do you want me to say?”

Spencer shook her head and looked at her feet. She took a moment to think it over before looking back up to Emily slowly and offering her a smile “I honestly don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to know that it was no big deal, I’m not mad or freaked out, and we’re still going to be friends. You don’t have to say anything, just accept what I’m saying.”

Emily nodded her head a little bit and looked down to the floor. Her eyes closed and she drew in a deep breath to try and calm herself again. She did not want to cry. She had so many emotions running through her that they were kind of hard to contain and crying would just make her look pathetic.

“Em” Spencer stepped forward and put a hand to her cheek, lifting her face until she could find her eyes. “I love you so much. You are one of my best friends and even more so one of the best people I know. Do you really think I am going to let some silly little thing like a kiss ruin that?”

“It wasn’t silly” Emily mumbled though she wasn’t even sure the actual words had been formed because she was sure the lump in her throat had prevented that.

“What?” Spencer perked an eyebrow curiously.

Emily cleared her throat and stepped away from Spencer and deeper into her room. She took a few steps, turned around, paused to look at Spencer, and then took a few more steps. Soon she was pacing and ringing her hands together trying to find the words.

Spencer watched her for a moment before her arms folded and she shrugged again “Emily, what is it?”

“Nothing” Emily shook her head and stepped back toward the door. She opened it and motioned for Spencer to go through it. “You have to leave or you’ll be late. Come on, let’s go.” She stepped out into the hallway and picked up Spencer’s bag before heading down toward the steps, not really leaving Spencer much of a choice but to follow.

“Hey” Spencer chased her all the way down the steps and out the doors. Emily was a surprisingly fast walker. It wasn’t until they were at the curb of the parking spot where her SUV was that she caught up with her. “Emily, wait” She reached out and grabbed her arm to stop her and turn her around “Are you going to run from me instead of talk to me now?”

“Yes” Emily snapped back quickly, using the button on the keypad to the vehicle to pop the hatch. 

“It’s me” Spencer tried to grab the strap of her bag to stop Emily from turning away from her again “You can talk to me! Nothing has changed.”

“Everything has changed” Emily ripped the bag out of her grasp and turned around, tossing it into the back of the SUV.

“How?” Spencer shook her head and stepped to the side of Emily where she stood adjusting the bag in the back although there was plenty of room and the bag was small.

Emily paused and closed her eyes. She drew in a deep breath so when she looked up at Spencer she would not have tears in her eyes. She shook her head and locked her gaze with Spencer’s, letting out a defeated sigh “You’re going to be in Philly, I’m going to be here. You have Toby and an apartment and a life and I just have-“

“Swimming. Paige.” Spencer cut in, shaking her head “You’re talking nonsense.”

“Paige and I” Emily shook her head and despite her fight to hold off tears, one trickled down her cheek. “She’s second place.”

“Second place?” Spencer’s brow creased in confusion.

“To you” Emily nearly growled the words, her eyes looking away and her hand lifting to the top of the hatch.

“Me?” Spencer blinked in surprise.

“Oh don’t act so confused” Emily brought her hand down and slapped the hatch shut before her eyes found Spencer again. “You’ve known it for years. I see the way you smile when you catch me stealing glances.” She sighed in frustration and stepped away from the vehicle now “And I was the idiot who couldn’t stop feeling what I feel for you. I’m not dumb enough to think you’d ever be with me but I was alright with it. You would never have to know and we could just live our lives in ignorant bliss. You could be happy and I could be what seemed to be happy. I was okay with that because having you as a friend meant more to me than telling you how I felt and having you blatantly say it’s never gonna happen.”

“Emily, you’re not being fair. I never said any of that to you. You are making me out to be a bad guy here.”

“No” Emily shook her head a little “No, you’re perfect. You’re the superhero always there when I need it and I am fine with that.” She managed what looked like a smile for a moment before shrugging and wiping a tear from her cheek. “But I screwed it up. Things will never be the same again because I will always have the pain of knowing for certain things will never be and you will always have the guilt of knowing you’ve caused pain just for being who you are. I don’t blame you” Emily looked up to the sky and took in a deep breath “I blame myself.”

“Emily, come on.” Spencer stepped toward her “Things won’t be different. Can we just talk?”

“No” Emily held up her hand to keep Spencer from approaching. “Just leave” She took Spencer’s hand and stuffed the keys into her palm before pushing her away and stepping backwards. “Please. It’ll be easier on me if you do.”

“Em” Spencer pleaded once more but when Emily stepped further away, she gave up. She let out a heavy sigh and turned to get into the suv. She started it up and adjusted her mirror until she could see Emily standing there on the curb, crying, hating herself more than she had ever seen her hate herself.

Emily was trying to fight off most of the tears until Spencer was out of view. The last thing she wanted was for her friend to see her cry over her. Spencer had done nothing wrong and the last thing she deserved was to feel like she had. This was all on Emily.

Spencer watched Emily a moment before backing out of the space and steering the vehicle toward the exit. She flipped on her blinker and checked her mirror one more time only to find it empty. Emily wasn’t standing on the curb behind her anymore.

“The shark” Emily said as she walked up next to Spencer’s open window, having decided that Spencer needed to know one more thing before she drove away forever.

“Emily” Spencer smiled softly, thinking the girl had run to stop her before she left. 

Emily shook her head quickly “Cer” She mumbled again, catching Spencer’s eyes for a moment before looking down at her feet. “It’s the last three letters of your name. I figured Spencer Jr was a little too obvious.” Her eyes lifted and she shrugged “He was the little piece of you that I could actually have. That’s why I still have him today.” Emily took one last glance at her friend then turned, folded her arms tightly around herself, and walked back down the sidewalk toward her building again, leaving Spencer behind. It was the right thing to do. Maybe now she could get over her silly crush and focus on someone who could actually want her back.

Spencer watched until Emily disappeared. Even after she was out of sight she stared at the mirror praying the girl would come back and stop her. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there willing her to return with her mind. It wasn’t until someone honked from behind her that she was forced to pull out of the parking lot and onto the road. Spencer never thought driving away from Emily would hurt so badly.


	9. Chapter 9

_ “There’s..” Spencer shook her head, trying to find a way to get through what she had to do “There’s so much that you don’t know” She finally choked out, turning her head to look at Toby, her eyes glossy with building tears “and I can never tell you.” She drew in a deep breath to fight breaking down as she watched Toby’s face twist with confusion. _

_ He blinked a few times as if trying to read what Spencer was getting at without her telling him. All he could see was her struggling and he wasn’t sure what any of it meant. “Don’t you trust me?” _

_ Spencer had to draw in a sharp breath to fight the tears from overflowing in that moment. Every inch of her was screaming yes, of course I trust you, but she couldn’t tell him that. She had to push him away to keep him safe and if that meant him thinking she didn’t trust him then that is what she had to do. _

_ Toby’s heart break was almost visible and when Spencer didn’t answer his face flooded with hurt “I thought we felt the same way about each other.” _

_ She couldn’t handle it anymore, she had to look away because she couldn’t keep watching him being hurt by her. She stared out the front windshield of his truck and drew in another breath “Look, I found a way to survive my secrets but everyone that I care about gets hurt.” She glanced at him a moment, silently hinting to him that she was doing this for his own safety. “And you deserve to be with somebody that can be honest with you so I’m sorry.” She turned quickly now and pushed the door of the truck open, fleeing before she broke down and told him everything. _

_ “Spencer!” Toby called, getting out to give chase but he wasn’t quick enough “Spencer, wait!” _

_ She heard him calling her name but she knew if she turned back she would give in, so she kept running. She ran around the corner and another until she was too out of breath to move. She hunched down by a tree and after two gasping breaths she broke into tears. She loved Toby more than anything and letting him go so he could have a chance at a good life, a normal life, was the hardest thing she would ever have to do. But she couldn’t risk him being hurt, not because of her. Her shattered heart in that moment would mend, she knew, but if something bad ever happened to Toby she would never be able to forgive herself and that was the only thing that would help her get through setting the man she loved free. _

Spencer looked up at the exit sign as she steered the SUV down the ramp and off the highway. It was nearly midnight now and the entire drive back had been torture. All she could picture was Emily in tears, scared and embarrassed, feeling lost.  She could only imagine what Emily must be going through, watching someone she loved drive away out of her life, maybe forever. No, not forever. Spencer was going to make sure of that. 

Spencer parked and turned off the engine. She took in a deep breath, grabbed her keys and the bag she had packed for her trip with Emily, and got out of the vehicle. She felt drained and exhausted, emotionally as well as physically. The day had been long and part of her just wanted to climb in bed, go to sleep, and figure it all out in the morning.

Spencer wasn’t the type to let anything go. She knew her mind would be racing all night long trying to decide what to do next, how to approach Emily, what to say to her, and how to smooth it over so that things could be normal between them. She didn’t want their friendship to suffer just because of this…thing, whatever it was. Maybe not knowing was the worst of all. Were they friends still? Spencer shook her head a little and let out a heavy sigh. Her brain was not going to shut off until she had answers. 

That’s exactly why she couldn’t drop it. Nothing would be alright until she figured it out. So with a deep breath she lifted her hand and knocked a few times lightly on the door she was standing in front of now. She knew it was late but she hoped for an answer anyway.

Emily blinked when she heard a knock on the door and glanced at the clock on her bedside table. She couldn’t imagine who would be knocking on her door this late. Maybe it was her roommate, finally. She slowly slipped from the bed, pulled her blanket around her shoulders, and padded over to the door. She turned the knob slowly and cracked the door open until she could see into the hallway.

“Emily” Spencer breathed out softly, letting out a sigh of relief that her friend was awake still.

“Spencer?” Emily’s brow creased in confusion and she opened the door a bit more, wrapping her blanket around herself a little more tightly. “I thought you went home? What are you doing here? I told you I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Yeah but I do” Spencer said softly, stepping into the doorway and pushing past Emily now.

“Spencer” Emily shook her head and slowly turned around to face the girl, pushing her door closed gently and leaned her back against it. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes I do” Spencer dropped her bag and turned to face Emily now. She folded her arms and stared at her friend with determination in her eyes. She was trying to read what was going through her friend’s mind and when that wasn’t leading anywhere she let out a sigh and shook her head “Look, I got halfway to Philly and realized I was leaving you when you needed me most.”

“I don’t need you” Emily shifted uncomfortably and pulled her arms around herself even tighter.

“Yes, you do” Spencer rolled her eyes and took a few steps toward Emily. “Em, look” She whispered softly, her eyes scanning Emily’s features, trying to read her friend “I know what it’s like to have to let someone you love go. It’s the most painful thing in the world and I don’t want you to have to go through that.”

“Spencer stop” Emily looked away, unable to look at Spencer anymore. It was like she could see into her very heart and that was even more frightening than usual.

“No” Spencer said sharply, closing the rest of the gap between the two of them and reaching out to put her hand on Emily’s arm. “You are one of my best friends and I am not going to let you push me away because of this.”

“It’s nothing” Emily pulled herself away from Spencer and turned her back on her, taking a few steps away.

“It’s not nothing” Spencer pushed on, stepping up behind Emily, not letting her walk away from her again. “You can’t look at me, you’re lying right to my face, and to yourself. You’re uncomfortable and awkward and I’m pretty sure you’re wishing I would leave so you wouldn’t have to be near me because that’s just too painful.”

“Yeah” Emily turned around, her face now creased with a bit of frustration “I do wish you’d leave because you’re talking about something you have no idea about and it’s getting really annoying. Believe it or not, Spencer, you don’t know everything about everything.”

“But I know you” Spencer said more softly now, a little surprised by Emily’s frustration, but not upset by it. She was glad to see a little bit of emotion out of her friend now. “And I know when you’re hurting and just like I always have, I would do anything to make that pain go away. No one hurts my friends, no one.”

“But” Emily let out a frustrated sigh and looked at her feet. She shook her head to stop herself from speaking, not wanting to admit anymore to Spencer than she already had.

“But what?” Spencer asked gently. She reached out and slid a hand along her arm lightly “Come on, Em, it’s just me.”

“It’s not  _ just  _ you” Emily’s frustration boiled again and she pulled her arm away once more. She took another few steps backwards and shook her head as her eyes narrowed on her friend. “It’s all about you. It’s you who is always there for me first. It’s you who always has my back. You’re the smart one, the one who always has the plan, and you who always figures it out first. You have always protected us because it’s who you are and maybe I was dumb for taking that personally, maybe I was just naïve to think that you were protecting me the most. It’s my fault for thinking that the little things you’ve always done for me meant more than just you being you.”

“Emily” Spencer shook her head softly, her brow creased into a frown.

“No” Emily put up her hand to stop Spencer from continuing. “No, it’s my fault and I don’t want you to step up and take the bullet on this one, too. I need to take responsibility for something for the first time in my life and this…” Emily nodded and lifted her shoulders in a quick shrug “This is my fault. I took every little thing you did for me and made it more than it was. I built this make believe world where I meant more to you than anyone else and I held onto  this stupid idea that one day you’d march in and make a grand confession that you’ve always felt more to me than you wanted to admit and we’d live happily ever after. But you won’t, and I see that, and I know that. That is why I want you to leave” She pointed to the door and nodded, her eyes firm on Spencer now “I know you want to fix this, because it’s who you are, but you can’t. This is something Spencer Hastings can’t make right. So please, go. I will be okay. You don’t have to take care of me anymore, okay?”

“Emily, I’m not going to leave.”

“Yes you are” Emily snapped and pointed to the door with more determination “Because if you stay and try and figure this out, nothing will be figured out, and we will be stuck in limbo. So you are going to take your bag and you are going to drive back to Philly and live with your boyfriend and go to your fancy college and live the life you have had planned out since you were five. I am going to stay here and swim and be with my girlfriend because she is good to me and she loves me and I love her” Emily half smiled and nodded her head “I do love her and we will see each other on Skype or holidays or during school breaks, okay?” Emily shrugged and moved to the door, opening it then turning to Spencer and motioning her through it. “Please” Emily whispered softly “If I ever meant anything to you, you will leave and let me deal with this on my own.”

Spencer opened her mouth to speak but she knew there was no use. The look in Emily’s eyes was one she had only seen a select few times in her life. She knew there was no talking Emily out of this. So against her better judgment she picked up her bag and took a few steps toward the door. She looked at Emily who was holding the door and offered her the most casual half smile she could muster “See you later then.” She dropped her head and walked out into the hallway. The last sound she heard was the firm slam of the door behind her.

_ “Sometimes you have to hurt someone to help them.” _  The words echoed through Emily’s mind as she sighed heavily, leaning her forehead against the closed door, listening to the sound of Spencer’s feet moving down the hallway. When Spencer had said those words to Emily so long ago, neither of them could ever know how relevant those words would become for them.


	10. Chapter 10

_ ”I used to fantasize what my life would be like if I’d never met Ali. My biggest concern right now would be where I wanted to go to college. Then I have to remind myself that if I hadn’t met her, then I wouldn’t be friends with you.” _

The words echoed in Spencer’s head as she rolled over in bed and reached for her phone. She blinked as she looked at the time and let out a sigh when she realized it was another sleepless night. “3:07” She mumbled softly and rolled onto her back. She stared at the ceiling and wondered how many more nights she would toss and turn instead of sleeping.

It had been weeks since Emily had kicked Spencer out of her dorm room. Every time she called, Emily wouldn’t answer. She wouldn’t return her texts or emails. Hanna and Aria didn’t mention Emily saying anything to them about what had happened. Spencer was completely in the dark and that was the one place she hated being the most.

“Still can’t sleep?” Toby asked that morning as he handed a cup of coffee to Spencer when she came out of the bedroom looking like a walking zombie.

Spencer shook her head and plopped onto one of the kitchen stools and took a sip of the coffee.

“Anything I can help with?” He gave a soft smile and sat next to her, putting his hand on her wrist and giving it a squeeze.

Spencer shrugged and took another gulp of the piping hot liquid. It used to soothe her and now she couldn’t really enjoy it because her mind was swirling with too many thoughts for her to pin down.

Toby frowned a little bit as he watched Spencer sit there half asleep working over whatever was going on in her mind. He slowly stood from the stool and walked around to the fridge. He set down his coffee then turned around to look at Spencer “What happened? One minute you were all happy-go-lucky about starting college and getting out of Rosewood and the next you’re somewhere else. It’s like your brain went on vacation right before school started and it hasn’t been back since. I saw your last paper, Spence, you got a C on it. What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing” Spencer said quickly, glancing up at Toby and shaking her head. It felt wrong to say that because it wasn’t nothing. It was Emily. It was one of her best friends and she wasn’t even sure if they were friend anymore. She let out a sigh and shook her head, looking into her coffee “It’s complicated.”

“It’s always complicated with you” Toby said with a shrug of his shoulders “I’ve made it through many complicated times with you, Spencer, and I’m still here. All the things you’ve kept from me and you still haven’t learned I’m on your side?”

“I know” Spencer shrugged and slowly looked up from her coffee. She knew that keeping something from Toby was a bad idea. He always figured it out. He always got to the bottom of it and he was always there for her even after the truth came out. After a heavy sigh she just shrugged again “It’s Emily.”

“Did something happen to her?” Toby felt a little panic rush through him. He and Emily had always been close and if had something had happened with her and he hadn’t known he would feel horrible.

“No” Spencer shook her head quickly “She’s fine. I mean, I think she’s fine. Health wise she’s alive, I guess?”

“You guess?” Toby’s brow creased in confusion “You’re not making sense. What’s going on?”

Spencer closed her eyes and ran her fingers over her lids before dropping her hand to her lap and shook her head “We….had a fight, I guess?”

“When?” Toby arched an eyebrow slightly “You two never fight, what happened?”

“I don’t know?” Spencer mumbled softly, her eyes full of sadness at the memory of the night. “I went with her to help her move into her dorm, remember? We just…” She gave a defeated shrug and sighed heavily “I crossed a line and it really upset her and she hasn’t talked to me since.”

“I’m sure she’s busy” Toby said with a shrug “Starting College in a new city is tough. She’s also practicing with a new swim team and learning how to navigate an entirely new life. Give her some time.”

Spencer rested her hand on her chin, her arm propped up on the counter, and her eyes locked on the surface of the shiny marble Toby had installed in their apartment. The events of the night before were running through her mind and she knew Emily wasn’t just busy. Emily was mad at her and it was killing her wondering if she would ever speak to her friend again.

_ “Hey Spence?” Emily looked over to her friend, her eyes squinting in the sunlight. The girls were all lying around the pool the summer between junior and senior year, enjoying what was left of their summer. _

_ “Yeah?” Spencer put her book down and turned her head to look at Emily. _

_ “We’re gonna be seniors in a few weeks” Emily said with a soft smile “Did you ever think we would make it?” _

_ Spencer let out a laugh and shook her head “With all that we’ve been through it’s a miracle we made it.” She reached out her hand and grabbed a hold of Emily’s arm lightly “But I know I couldn’t have made it through without you” She gave it a soft squeeze. _

_ Emily’s heart leapt in her chest and she fought off a smile. She managed to nod and took in a deep breath as she looked at her friend. “I have no idea how I’m going to survive without you guys.” _

_ “You won’t be without us” Spencer said with a smile “You’ll always have us. It’s only miles, right? Not even miles can break up our friendship.” _

_ Emily nodded softly “Friends forever, right?” _

_ “Of course” Spencer said with a smile, her hand returning to her book now. “Nothing will ever change that.” _

“Spence?” Toby walked up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. “You alright? Where did you go just then?”

“I have to go see her” Spencer stood up quickly, nearly knocking Toby backwards off his feet.

“What? Who?” Toby stumbled back and caught himself on a nearby chair.

“Emily” Spencer tucked some wild hair behind her ear and turned toward the bedroom “I have to go see her. I promised her that no matter what we would be friends forever and she needs me now more than ever.”

“Spencer, I’m sure she’s fine. You have an exam today” Toby tried to catch her but she was slamming the door in his face before he could reach her.

“I’ll do a makeup exam” Spencer called through the door. She was hopping from foot to foot as she changed out of her sweats and pulled on some jeans. She quickly tossed off her baggy sweater and pulled on a clean shirt before searching for her purse and keys. “It can’t wait, I have to see her today.”

“Spencer, just wait until the weekend. What if you get there and she is busy? What if she has class, or swim practice, or a paper due? You can’t just show up, especially if you had a fight and you’re not talking” Toby waited outside the room with his arms folded until Spencer pulled the door open to look at him. She opened her mouth to argue but he stopped her “Wait. Call her and even if she doesn’t answer, leave her a voicemail to let her know you are coming this weekend. That way you’ve at least warned her. Trust me, showing up uninvited is a really good way to make sure whatever is broken never gets fixed.”

Spencer hated how true Toby’s words were. She took in a deep breath and rolled her eyes. She folded her arms and leaned against the doorway with a nod “Fine” She said softly, giving into the logic Toby was spewing. “I’ll call her and go see her this weekend.” She turned back into the room and went to find her phone, scrolling through to find Emily’s number.

“Now are you ever going to tell me what happened and why you have to see her so badly?” Toby asked softly, genuine concern in his tone.

“Maybe after this weekend” Spencer said with a shrug then motioned for him to leave the room so she could make the phonecall. She waited until the door was closed before she turned back to her phone. She took a deep breath and pushed the call button before lifting the phone to her ear. She closed her eyes and silently prayed Emily wouldn’t answer because she wasn’t sure she could tell her in person that she was planning on coming to see her. She wasn’t sure she could handle Emily telling her to stay away again.

When she heard Emily’s voicemail, she let out a breath of relief and waited for the tone. She cleared her throat and put on a smile “Hey Em, it’s me. Uh, Spencer. Look I know we haven’t talked in a while and that totally sucks so..” She swallowed the nervous lump in her throat and pushed forward, her voice getting weaker the more nervous she got. “So I was wondering what you are doing this weekend. I have some free time and would really like to see you. So…let me know” She shrugged and bit her bottom lip lightly “Call me back, I guess. Okay, bye.”


	11. Chapter 11

Emily was laid out on her bed, her head lying in Paige’s lap, and her eyes on the ceiling. Paige’s fingers were running through Emily’s hair gently, putting Emily in a near trance. She was nearly nodding off when her phone rang, causing her to jump. She let out a laugh and reached for her phone to see who was calling. When she read the screen, she frowned and pushed the ignore button before setting her phone back on the bed.

“You can answer” Paige said softly, giving Emily a light smile “You know I don’t mind if you talk to your friends when we’re hanging out.”

Emily just shrugged “I’m busy.”

“No you’re not” Paige laughed softly “You’re literally laying here doing nothing.”

Emily looked up at Paige and gave another shrug “Good enough reason for me not to answer.”

“What’s going on, Em? You never avoid a call from one of your friends. Especially not Spencer.” Paige frowned a little bit and her hand paused it’s movements through her hair.

“Nothing” Emily sat up now and faced Paige. She leaned on one hand against the mattress as the other lifted and brushed her fingers against Paige’s cheek with a smirk “I’m busy.”

“No you’re no-“ Paige’s words were cut off when Emily’s lips caught hers in a deep kiss. It lingered for a long moment until Emily pulled back and smirked, nodding a little. Paige caught onto what Emily was saying and let out a laugh “Oh. You’re busy. Good call.” Paige’s hand cupped Emily’s cheek and the two girls leaned into each other, letting their lips press together again and within just moments they were in fact very busy and the ignored phonecall was the last thing on either of their minds.

“Shoot” Spencer hissed to herself and tossed her phone into the passenger side seat. She had not heard from Emily all week and now it was Friday evening and she was on her way to see her without knowing if her friend even wanted her there. Was she crazy? She felt pretty crazy at the moment driving an hour and a half for something that might end in disaster.

But she couldn’t rest until she spoke to Emily. She had to get this figured out, no matter what. She wished she knew what was going on in Emily’s head and how to make this all right again. She sighed and looked over at her phone then reached for it and scrolled through to a number before pushing call and putting it back to her ear.

“Hey, Han, it’s Spence” She smiled into the phone when her friend answered “Hey, have you talked to Emily lately? I can’t seem to get a hold of her and I was wondering if I just have horrible timing and she is busy whenever I call.”

“We talked yesterday” Hanna said on the other end of the phone. “She said she’d been kind of busy but nothing she couldn’t handle.”

Spencer just nodded her head a little bit at that. Hanna’s tone seemed genuine. Apparently Emily had said nothing to Hanna and had never lead on that something was wrong with her. She was thankful for that. “Okay, thanks. Hey if you hear from her any time soon will you have her give me a call?”

“Yeah sure” Hanna said with a smile.

“Thanks. I gotta go but I will call you later okay?”

“Alright! Bye Spence!”

Spencer hung up and tossed her phone to the side again. She shook her head a little bit and pushed on the gas pedal a little harder. There was no turning back now.

_ “Has..” Spencer looked around the hallway and lowered her voice, turning and nudging Emily with her elbow for her to follow along. “Has Paige ever mentioned her history with Ali to you?” _

_ “A history?” Emily’s brow creased in half confusion half annoyance. _

_ “Yeah. They weren’t like passing acquaintances, Em, they were like in a war.” Spencer eyed her friend as they walked, trying to gauge her reaction. _

_ Emily stopped and turned to face Spencer, more bite in her tone now “Who told you this?” _

_ “Cece.” _

_ Emily nodded her head and rolled her eyes to the side. It figured Spencer would take a comment in passing and turn it into something more. _

_ “No look, I know that it sounds weird, okay, but once she told me Ali’s nickname for Paige it clicked.” Spencer’s eyes never left Emily, desperation for her friend to listen to her was written in her stare. _

_ “Alison had nicknames for half the people in this school” Emily half rolled her eyes and gave her head a shake “That doesn’t really qualify as having a history.” _

_ “Okay I get it” Spencer lightened her tone a bit, but continued anyway “But according to Cece this was a very-“ _

_ “Why are we suddenly trusting Cece?” Emily cut Spencer off, her eyes narrowing into a glare. She had an idea of where this was going and Spencer was dancing a thin line of really upsetting Emily. _

_ Spencer looked a little shocked that Emily was fighting back so hard. Usually she would hear Spencer out. “Because Ali might have told her things she couldn’t tell us.” She pressed lightly, hoping her lightened tone would make Emily feel a little less threatened. _

_ Emily shook her head and turned away from Spencer, having heard enough. “I have to get to practice” She snapped, annoyance now dripping from her tone. _

_ “Emily, look” Spencer took a few steps after Emily and stopped her from leaving “You and Paige have been seeing each other on and off for almost a year now” Emily let out a heavy sigh, her irritation growing now with every word “and you don’t think it’s a little odd that she’s never mentioned anything about Ali to you?” Spencer pressed on gently. _

_ “I think what’s odd is watching history repeat itself” Emily’s attitude had turned from slight annoyance to full blown exasperation. “Alison loved pitting us against one another and now Cece swoops in-“ _

_ “This isn’t about Cece okay?” Spencer’s tone was teetering on desperate now “A friend of ours had an ongoing feud with someone we both know has a bit of a dark side.” _

_ Emily had been fidgeting side to side, more than ready for this conversation to end. When Spencer took that stab at Paige, though, it was like direct stab at Emily herself. “Excuse me?” Her eyes bore right into Spencer’s, daring her to say it again. _

_ “I’m not accusing Paige of anything” Spencer backed off a little with her tone, hoping to calm Emily a bit “But let’s not forget, Emily, this girl once tried to drown you. I don’t think it was a love dunk.” _

_ Emily’s rage was starting to boil now “There were other issues going on in her life back then.”  _

_ “Yeah” Spencer said with a nod “Like being sneaky. She almost got you kicked off of the swim team. I’m not calling her a snake-“ _

_ “Okay, are you finished?” Emily’s stare was fierce now and she snapped, having had enough “Because I am.” She didn’t hesitate this time when she turned away from her friend. She stormed through the doors toward the locker room and out of sight. _

Spencer shook her head and blinked a few times, pushing the memory of her friend storming off out of her head. That was the most upset she had ever seen Emily. She had known she had crossed the line and she had promised never to do that again to her friend but apparently pushing her to admit her feelings for her was worse than accusing her girlfriend of being A. Spencer sighed and glanced at the clock in her car then back to the road. She was only about ten minutes away now and she hoped Emily was at her dorm.

When she finally reached the dorms, she parked her SUV, and immediately headed toward the building. She took a deep breath and looked up the steps before she started up them one by one. Each step felt like a mountain but she couldn’t give up now.  Just as she hit the top step she heard voices in the hallway and she stopped before she was seen. She hid behind the pillar of the stairway and looked to see who it was.

Her heart twisted slightly when she saw it was Paige. For some reason she had thought Emily would be alone, sulking and sad, missing Spencer and wishing for her to show up and make things right. Seeing Paige there hurt more than she ever thought it would. She bit her lip and watched the two of them kiss before Paige stepped away and Emily closed her door. Paige turned and headed toward the steps and Spencer quickly turned and pressed her back to the pillar, hoping to be small enough not to be seen by her.

Paige took two steps up the stairs, her dorm on a higher level, then stopped when she realized her shoe was untied. She knelt down to tie it and that was when she saw someone on the flight below her. She cocked her head to the side and when it was obvious the person was hiding, she perked an eyebrow and stood up “Whoever you are, it’s past curfew, and we have a meet tomorrow so I recommend turning around and leaving. Whatever business you have here is not worth it, I can promise you that. No one on our team is going to risk missing the meet for breaking curfew.”

Spencer closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Paige hadn’t recognized her. She cleared her throat and tried to disguise her voice “I’m sorry I was just….coming to return a book I borrowed. You’re right, I will give it back tomorrow.” She pushed off the pillar and started down the stairs.

“Spencer?” Paige blinked and quickly turned to run down the few steps she had gone up and stood at the top of the next flight where Spencer had frozen mid-step at the sound of her name. Paige cocked her head to the side again then smiled and let out a laugh “What are you doing here?”

Spencer closed her eyes, took a breath to steady herself, then turned and looked up at Paige with a smile. “I…” Spencer Hastings, quick on her feet as she was, had absolutely gone blank and had no idea what to say.

“Are you here to surprise Emily at her meet tomorrow?” Paige asked with a grin.

Spencer thought about it for a moment, and then nodded, and her forced smile grew “Yeah, exactly. You caught me.”

“Oh good” Paige said with a smile “She needs it. She has been so down lately. I swear the only thing she does is swim, and swim hard. It’s like she is trying to swim away from something, I’m worried she is going to wear herself out.” She folded her arms and sat on the top stair now, her face showing the worry she spoke about. 

“I’m sorry” Spencer said softly, shaking her head and taking a step up to sit a few steps below Paige.

“Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything.” Paige said with a shrug “I just don’t know what to do. She’s been so weird lately. She says we’re okay, but I just worry I did something to upset her somehow?” She bit her lip and looked at her feet “She won’t talk to me.”

“It’s not you” Spencer said with a frown, her hand reaching up to lay on Paige’s knee in an act to comfort her.

“You’re just saying that” Paige said with a half smile.

“No” Spencer said with a shake of her head “It’s not you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

Spencer’s heart twisted again and she looked at her hand on Paige’s knee before she pulled it off and shrugged “You know Em, when she gets stressed she pushes away. Just give her time to come around. It’s a big meet tomorrow, I bet she is just wound up about it.”

“Yeah” Paige nodded “You’re probably right.”

Phew. Spencer nodded to herself, proud of her quick thinking.

“I’m glad you’re here” Paige said after a moment “It’ll probably calm her down and once she gets this meet under her belt I’m sure she will relax a lot more. The first one of the season is always the most nerve-wracking.”

“Exactly” Spencer said with a smile. She patted Paige’s knee then stood up, offering her hand to help the girl up to her feet. Once Paige was standing she nodded to the steps “You better get to your dorm, we don’t want you getting in trouble either.”

“Totally” Paige said with a laugh. She pulled Spencer into a quick hug then stepped back and took a few steps up to the landing between the flights of steps. “See you tomorrow, then? Maybe for breakfast?”

“You got it” Spencer said with a smile “Just don’t tell Emily I’m here and ruin the surprise, alright?”

Paige mimicked zipping up her lips then gave Spencer a wink. She waved at the girl then headed up the steps toward her dorm.

Spencer nodded and took a step down, acting as if she was leaving. She waited until she heard Paige’s footsteps stop and a door open and close before she took the remaining steps to the landing on Emily’s floor. She took a deep breath then started to her dorm room. She stood in front of the familiar room now and the images of the last time she was there flooded her mind. She pushed the thoughts away, lifted her hand, and knocked a few times lightly.

There was a laugh from inside the door and Emily’s voice came from behind it, shuffling heard as she obviously got up from her bed and was making her way to answer the door “Paige, you know you can’t stay in my room tonight!” Emily pulled the door open and the smile of amusement on her face dropped and was replaced with complete shock.

“Hey” Spencer said softly, shyly, shrugging her shoulders and offering a crooked half smile to her friend, hoping she wouldn’t get the door slammed in her face again.


	12. Chapter 12

“What” Emily blinked and shook her head, trying to decide if she was seeing things or not “What are you doing here?”

“I don’t know” Spencer said quickly then laughed and rolled her eyes “I mean I do know. I came to see you. I miss you Emily.”

“No” Emily lifted her hand to stop her and shook her head “What are you doing  _ here _ ?” She pointed to the floor, indicating that spot, here and now. “It’s nearly midnight! I have a meet tomorrow.”

“I know” Spencer said quickly “I’m sorry. I just got in, I had a late class. I tried to call you, but you never answer my calls anymore.”

Emily took a deep breath and nodded her head. Her eyes closed for a second before she let out a sigh and looked at her friend again “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy.”

“You don’t have to explain. Paige told me you’ve been swimming a lot.”

“You talk to Paige now?” Emily perked an eyebrow slightly.

“Not regularly. I mean, I ran into her in the hall just now. She told me you’ve been distant, swimming a lot. She’s worried about you.”

“I’m fine, never better” Emily’s tone lacked any real commitment to her words.

“Right. Just preparing for the meet. I know” Spencer was acting like she believed Emily again but she really didn’t feel like fighting right now, especially when Emily had to get up early to swim the next morning. “Look I won’t stay long I just wanted to come say hi and ask what time the meet was tomorrow so I won’t be late.”

“You’re coming?” Emily’s heart gave a little jump into her throat.

“Of course” Spencer said with a soft laugh as if it should have been obvious.

“I just thought…” Emily trailed off and shrugged. She wasn’t sure what she thought. She thought Spencer would stay away, to be honest. She thought she would be too busy learning to be a lawyer or a doctor or something. This was more than a surprise. 

“I know” Spencer said with a nod, having read Emily’s face. She was glad she still knew her friend so well even after they’d not spoken for so many weeks. “I promised Paige breakfast in the morning and then I guess I will see you at the meet, okay?”

Emily nodded a little bit and actually managed a smile. “That would be nice.” 

“Cool” Spencer gave her that little half smile she gave when she was satisfied with what she was hearing. “I’m going to head to my hotel now, okay? Sleep well, Em. I will see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah” Emily breathed out softly. She gave her friend a wave and watched her walk away. She stood in the doorway until Spencer was completely out of sight. When she was gone, Emily shook her head and returned to her room with a smile on her lips. She thought seeing Spencer again would be painful but it wasn’t. It was as if no time had passed at all and they were back in high school again. Maybe things really could go back to normal.

“You’re lucky I like Paige” Emily’s roommate’s voice broke the silence after she had closed the door.

Emily looked up at the girl and creased her brows in confusion as she shook her head, still smiling “What do you mean?”

“The late night visits before a meet?” The girl laughed and pointed toward the door. “You’re lucky I like her or I’d be forced to tell couch she was out past curfew.”

“Oh that wasn’t-“ 

“Mhm” The girl interrupted with a roll of her eyes “I can always tell when Paige is near, you get that look on your face like you have now, all dreamy and lovey dovey.” She lifted her hand to her mouth and stuck a finger in, mocking a gagging motion.

“Right” Emily let out a laugh and shrugged as she went back to her bed “Sorry. I told her she can’t sneak around anymore. She won’t do it again.”

“She better not” The girl turned now and flipped her lamp off and pulled the blankets up over herself. “Now get some rest, Fields. We can’t have our anchor leg worn out for the first meet.”

Emily nodded and climbed into bed, turning off her lamp as well. She laid awake in bed for longer than she knew, but she wasn’t tired. Every time she thought about opening the door and seeing Spencer there, she would smile again and her heart would start to race. It was the first time she had thought about Spencer in nearly a month and actually felt good again. Maybe things would be alright after all.

_ “You’ll be back in the pool in no time, Em” Spencer had her hand on Emily’s leg, rubbing it lightly from where she sat next to her hospital bed. It was early Senior year and Emily ankle had been twisted into a sprain while she was running laps in gym. _

_ “I can’t believe how stupid I was” Emily closed her eyes and shook her head “I wasn’t even pushing that hard because coach doesn’t like us going too hard in gym when we’re in season. I just took my eyes off the track for a second and, bam, I ran right into the stupid hurdle the track team left out.” _

_ “It’s not your fault.” Spencer said with a shake of her head “They shouldn’t have left their equipment out. Besides, the doctor said there isn’t a break. It’s just a really bad sprain. You’ll be back at it in a few weeks.” _

_ “What if I’m not as fast?” Emily said softly “What if there is real damage to my ligaments and my foot never works the same. I need it to swim.” _

_ “Emily, woah, sweetie chill out” Spencer stood now and moved toward the head of the bed. She put her hand on her forehead and stroked her fingers back through her hair. “You will swim again, you know how I know?” Emily opened her mouth to argue but Spencer put a finger to her lips to shush her. “Because you are Emily Fields, the best swimmer in Rosewood, maybe even the whole of Pennsylvania. You’ve survived ulcers and a psycho trying to kill you and you will survive an ankle sprain. You will get back in that pool and be faster than ever and I will be there cheering you on.” _

_ “What if-“ _

_ “No” Spencer stopped Emily again and gave her a smile “I will be there to see you win State and I will be there for your first college swim meet and I will be there when you win gold at the Olympics too.” _

_ Emily let out a soft laugh and rolled her eyes “I doubt I’ll ever make it to the Olympics.” _

_ “I don’t” Spencer moved her hand and placed it gently over Emily’s chest which was hidden under a few layers of hospital blanket “You have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met and when you put your heart into something, you accomplish it.” _

_ Emily blushed slightly and reached down to grab Spencer’s hand. She gave it a tight squeeze and nodded. Her eyes lifted to meet Spencer’s and they shared a soft smile before Emily gently let go of Spencer’s hand “Olympics, huh?” _

_ Spencer let out a soft laugh “If I’m not invited I will be offended.” _

_ Emily laughed and nodded her head “Consider this your informal invite.” She took in a deep breath then let it out slowly before biting her lip to fight a smile when she looked at Spencer again “Thanks, Spence, for always having my back.” _

_ “Always” Spencer said with a nod before leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead “Now get some rest, superstar.” _

Emily scanned the crowd that had gathered after the meet for Spencer. She had seen her in the bleachers before her races and it had made her heart melt. Spencer had been wearing the sweater with Emily’s school logo on it, cheering at the top of her lungs. She knew she would stick around for the end and now she was waiting for her, to thank her for coming.

“Have you seen her, Em?” Paige asked, having walked up behind her just a moment before.

“No. She was still here when you raced so I know she stayed until the end.”

“She probably just went to the bathroom” Paige shrugged, rubbing Emily’s back lightly “It was really cool of her to come.”

“Yeah” Emily smiled, glancing at Paige with a nod “I needed it.”

“I know you did” Paige gave her girlfriend a sweet smile then kissed her on the cheek. “I’m going to go find my parents. They want to take us to dinner later.”

“Alright” Emily gave Paige a smile and watched her slip through the crowd before turning around to look for Spencer again. It was no use trying to find her through the hoard of people so she slowly slipped through the crowd and out into the parking lot. She knew Spencer couldn’t leave without getting to her car so she went to go wait by it.

She checked her phone and frowned when she realized that after fifteen minutes Spencer still hadn’t come out to her car. She was just about to call her and see if she had gotten lost when she heard footsteps approaching. 

“There you are” Spencer said softly, a smile on her lips when she saw her friend waiting for her at her car. She walked slowly up to Emily, her hands behind her back as she moved almost shyly, looking her up and down, before taking a deep breath “I was wondering where you disappeared to. Where’s Paige?”

“With her parents. We are having dinner with them later. She told me to tell you thanks for coming out, it meant a lot to her.” Emily pushed off the side of the vehicle where she had been leaning and gave Spencer a little smile “Did you get lost.”

“Yeah” Spencer laughed “That pool has no flow to it. I went to find a vending machine and ended up all turned around.”

“Well maybe next time I will give you a tour before the meet so you won’t get so lost. You can take notes again.”

Spencer and Emily shared a smile at that before Spencer’s smile faded and she looked to her feet. She drew in a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh before slowly her eyes lifted to find Emily’s again “I didn’t get lost.”

“What?” Emily perked an eyebrow.

“I knew where I was at” Spencer said with a shrug. She caught Emily staring right at her and it made her stomach twist. There was a new sense of warmth that spread through her being so close to Emily. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was so relieved that they were still friends or if it was something else. “The truth is, I was standing in there for the last twenty minutes trying to decide what to say to you.”

“You don’t have to say anything” Emily said with a quick shake of her head. “You were right, things can be just like they were. I mean, I thought they would be weird and so I pushed you away and that was wrong. But look, you came and saw me swim and none of it has been weird.”

Spencer nodded slowly as she thought over the words. She was glad Emily didn’t feel weird. The last thing she wanted was to be pushed away like she had been the last time she saw the girl. But she couldn’t exactly say things weren’t weird on her side. Her mind had been racing since she had seen Emily the night before. She had barely slept. The breakfast that morning with her and Paige had been weird for her. Every time she saw a kiss on the cheek or one of them grab the other’s hand it had been weird for her. She had no idea what it meant.

“You okay?” Emily asked softly after watching Spencer stand there in silence, obviously working something over in her head for a minute or two.

“Yeah” Spencer said quickly. She forced a smile then shook her head “Actually, no. I don’t really know what’s going on, all I know is it’s not the same, Emily.”

Emily’s heart dropped. She bit her lip and looked at her feet, fighting off a tremble that had wanted to surge through her body. This was it. Spencer was about to tell her she couldn’t see her again because she had ruined everything.

“I didn’t realize how much I missed you until I came here” Spencer stepped closer to Emily now, moving a hand from behind her back now and reaching out to touch her cheek. “Look at me” She whispered, easing her fingers under her chin to help move Emily’s eyes up. When their gazes met, she gave her a soft smile. “I can’t go without seeing you for so long again, okay?”

Emily half smiled in relief, half in pure joy. She wasn’t telling her they couldn’t see each other. She was saying they had to see each other more. Her friend was not pushing her away because of feelings she couldn’t return but instead letting everything just be normal again. That is all Emily wanted. Losing Spencer as a friend was something she couldn’t survive “Okay.” She finally agreed.

“Good” Spencer said with a bit of a shiver in her voice. It wasn’t cold out, but her body was trembling. She had no idea why, all she knew was since seeing Emily the night before she couldn’t stop the trembling. She pushed it aside, though, and moved her other hand out from behind her back, revealing a brand new stuffed shark, this one dawning Emily’s college colors now “Here” She said with a smile “I figured it is a tradition. I gave you Cer after your first swim meet of high school so I had to give you a new one after your first swim meet in college.”

Emily bit her bottom lip and lifted her hand, which was shaking now, to take the gift. She shook her head and let out a soft laugh as she took the shark and looked it over. “You really didn’t have to. You being here was more than enough.”

“No” Spencer waved her hand in a dismissing manner and shrugged her shoulders “You needed a new one. The old one had one eye and looked like it lived in a blender.”

Emily let out a soft laugh and nodded in agreement.

“Besides” Spencer lifted her eyes back to Emily’s face now and drew in a deep breath “You needed a new reminder of me. Someone to keep you company until we can see each other again. Kind of like a fresh start.”

“Fresh start, I like that” Emily’s smile was genuine as she gazed up at her friend now. “Thank you so much, Spencer. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you for good.”

“Lucky for you, you’ll never have to find out. Come here” Spencer opened her arms and motioned for Emily to come in for a hug. The girls wrapped their arms around each other tightly and Spencer’s eyes closed. She drew in a deep breath and the scent of Emily filled her nose. It was a mix of shampoo and chlorine from the pool. The smell sent a shiver down her spine and her arms pulled a little more tightly around Emily.

Emily had just about been ready to pull from the hug when she felt Spencer pull more tightly against her. Her heart skipped a beat and she gave into the embrace. She let herself be held by Spencer. With her eyes closed she too drew in a deep breath to let the smell of the girl in her arms fill her up. That familiar scent rocked her to the core and every bad feeling she had ever had melted away and all she knew was that Spencer Hastings was once again the source of her happiness in that moment.

Realizing she was clinging to Emily, Spencer opened her eyes and slowly started to release her grip. The two girls backed out of the hug at a snail’s pace, neither of them wanting the other to think they were glad the embrace had ended. Spencer’s arms dropped but her hand caught Emily’s and her finger wrapped around the other girl’s, giving them a squeeze.  When their eyes finally met again, Spencer gave her a shy smile “I better get going.”

“Yeah” Emily said with a fast nod, biting her lip, and taking a step back. Of course Spencer had to go, she had to get back to her own school. So she did what she always did, put on a brave face, and forced herself to step away from Spencer.

Only this time Spencer’s hand wouldn’t let go of Emily’s. When they both realized it, they both looked at their tangled hands at the same time. Emily didn’t fight it when Spencer’s thumb ran over her own. There was a moment where the two of them stared at their hands before slowly looking back up to each other. Emily was about to make a joke about need her arm to swim but it never made it to her lips. The next thing she remembered was the feel of Spencer’s lips on her own and for a moment she thought she had been swept up in the moment again and stupidly let herself kiss her friend again. She really needed to have a talk with her lips about kissing people randomly!

But it wasn’t her lips this time, but Spencer’s. Spencer had given a tug to Emily’s hand to pull her closer and before she could stop herself, slid her other hand behind her head and pressed her lips to Emily’s. She wasn’t sure what had caused her to do it but she knew it didn’t feel wrong. It felt right this time, good, like it was what she should had done the first time Emily kissed her. All she knew for sure was she didn’t want the feeling to end.

Emily didn’t pull away, even if she knew she should. There was so much wrong with this and yet it was the only thing she had wanted for so long that she couldn’t bring herself to stop it. So she gave in and she kissed back. Their lips lingered together until someone, she wasn’t sure who, parted their lips and let their tongue slip out. Soon the two of them were tangled in a deep kiss, tongues gently but not shyly exploring one another’s mouth.

Neither was sure how much time had passed before the kiss was broken. Spencer drew in a deep breath and lifted a hand to her mouth. She didn’t wipe away the kiss, though, but instead let her fingers glide over her slightly swollen lips, feeling the kiss with her fingertips. She smiled very slowly at the tingle the kiss had left. Then her mind clicked back on and everything started swirling at once. Toby. Paige. School. Emily. Gay. Straight. Friends. Lovers. She couldn’t decode any of it. She looked up at Emily and swallowed her panic before nodding slightly “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be” Emily said quickly. “I kissed you too. We’re both guilty.” It’s like she could see what was racing through Spencer’s mind and she wanted to do anything to ease her panic.

Spencer nodded her head and took a step back now. “I really should get going.”

“Yeah” Emily said with a nod of her head, licking over her lips slowly. “You should.”

Spencer nodded and glanced at Emily. She could see the confusion on her face and she knew that must be a mirror image to what her own face looked like. She wasn’t really sure what just happened. She knew it had felt good but that was all she knew. She had so much to figure out.

Emily stood there and watched Spencer slowly get into her car. She knew her friend must have a million things going on in her head and as normal as things had been during that visit, she was sure things would never be the same again. This time it wasn’t her fault and she wasn’t upset about it. She knew there were so many unanswered questions but she hoped maybe she and Spencer could figure them out together. As a team.

“I’ll call you” Spencer said as she started her car and gave Emily a wave through her window.

Emily just nodded and waved back. She watched as her friend buckled up then put the engine into reverse. She watched her pull out and straighten her wheel and right before she pulled away, Emily stepped up to the window and gave her friend a smile “Some things even the brain can’t figure out, okay?”

Spencer looked at Emily for a moment and had her mouth open to say something but nothing came out so she just nodded. She gave Emily a half smile and waved again “I’ll call” she repeated before she pulled forward and headed out of the parking lot.

Emily watched until Spencer’s suv was out of sight. She stood there in the middle of the parking lot confused but for the first time not afraid. Whatever had just happened was unexpected but not a single part of her had felt it was bad. She just had to wait for Sherlock Hastings to figure it all out and hope beyond hope for a good outcome this time.


	13. Chapter 13

_ “Just do it” Noel Kahn cheered and a few of the other guys in the circle chimed in with their own encouragement. Ali had dragged the girls to Noel’s end of year party promising it would be fun and now it had turned into one big excuse for the freshman class to give into their hormones and paw at one another with the aid of alcohol. _

_ “Come on you two” Ali said with a roll of her eyes, nudging Spencer with her elbow. “You knew the rules before you sat down. You have to kiss or you have to leave.” _

_ “This is stupid” Emily said quickly, a blush creeping into her cheeks as she spoke, but luckily the dim lighting of the room hid most of it from everyone. “Just let Spencer spin again.” _

_ “You two are friends” Noel said with a smirk, looking between the girls with a nod “It shouldn’t be weird. Like kissing a sister almost, only hotter.” _

_ “Would you like you kiss your brother?” Spencer looked up at him with an unamused scowl on her face. _

_ “No” Noel curled his lip in disgust “But lucky for you, you aren’t really sisters, so it’s not gross at all!” _

_ “I don’t want to leave” Ali barked in a whisper to Spencer “Its five freaking seconds.” _

_ Spencer looked over at Emily who looked like she wanted to melt into a puddle and leak through the cracks of the floorboard right about now. She couldn’t tell if it was because she was embarrassed that she had to kiss a girl or if it was because she hated how everyone was making a big deal out of it. She opened her mouth to argue again but stopped when she caught something in Emily’s face. Almost a hopeful glint that Spencer might just give in and kiss her so they could move on with the game. _

_ “Fine” Spencer said with a shrug and looked at Emily with a soft smile “We’re friends, it’s not weird. I love Emily. But” She looked at all of the boys around them who were practically drooling in anticipation and shook her head “I don’t want to do it in front of you Neanderthals. So either turn off the lights or look away.” _

_ “That is not fair” Noel whined out “This is my house, my rules, and I say you kiss in front of all of us, lights on, or you leave.” _

_ “Why do you even care?” Emily piped up softly, a little irritated at how persistent he was being. “It’s not like it would be a real kiss anyway. It’s like a peck on the lips. If you get your jollies from that, you live a pretty sad life.” _

_ The other guys in the group gave a loud laugh and a few mocking “ohhhh” sounds as they tossed stuff at Noel. He just shook it off and motioned to Spencer “If it’s not a big deal then just do it so we can move on. I have a few people here I’d like to actually kiss.” His eyes wondered to Aria, who just rolled her eyes. _

_ “Come on, Em” Hanna said with a soft smile “It’s just Spencer. I know you haven’t had your first real kiss yet so this won’t count.” _

_ “Y-yes I have” Emily stumbled over her words and glanced at Ali then down to her hands for a moment to fight off the rising blush she felt in her cheeks. _

_ “Oh” Hanna smiled and shrugged “Then it really is no big deal. It’s a quick kiss and we’re on our way.” _

_ “Thank you” Ali said with a nod then looked at Spencer “Come on you two. You are lucky we made the rule that any time the bottle landed on someone of the same gender you only had to peck and not use tongue so just let your lips touch and let’s move on.” _

_ “For five seconds” Noel reminded them quickly. _

_ Spencer clenched her jaw and scowled at Noel, rolling her eyes before she looked across to Emily. Her face immediately softened when she saw how nervous her friend was and she just nodded her head “Five seconds, Em. We can do this.” _

_ Emily nodded and shifted to get up onto her knees “I’m ready if you are then.” _

_ Ali smirked as she watched the two girls lean together. She knew Emily would enjoy this kiss more than anyone would ever suspect. _

_ With their faces close together now, Spencer licked her lips quickly and drew in a quick breath “Friends forever no matter what, right?” _

_ Emily let out a soft laugh and nodded “It’s just a silly kiss, Spence. Now you sound like the nervous one.” _

_ Spencer rolled her eyes with a smile “Just reminding you that we can make it through anything together, even this lame game.” _

_ “Totally” Emily said with a nod. She licked her own lips and closed her eyes before nodding once more “Okay do it.” _

_ Spencer drew in a deep breath, closed her eyes, puckered her lips, then leaned forward. _

_ “One,” The group started counting as soon as their lips met “Two! Three!” _

_ Emily’s heart was pounding so hard in her chest she was sure everyone in the room could hear it. Her cheeks were flaming hot with the blush that had filled her face as soon as their lips met. She knew that everyone would be able to tell how much she enjoyed kissing Spencer Hastings after this. She knew that everyone would know how much she liked her and how often she thought about her lips and her hands and her skin. _

_ “Four! Five!” As soon as the number five was shouted, the girls parted and opened their eyes. Emily was relieved to see that Spencer had blushed a little bit too. At least she wasn’t completely grossed out, that was something. _

_ “See?” Ali said, sounding bored as she reached for the bottle “No big deal. My turn” She glanced at Noel and gave him a wink before spinning the bottle. _

_ Emily bit her lip to fight off a smile as she sat back in her spot and watched the game resume around her. Every now and then she would look up at Spencer and feel the tingle of her lips all over again. It wasn’t ideal but she had kissed Spencer Hastings and she had liked it more than even she had thought she would. _

“What are you smiling at?” Toby asked, leaning over in his chair to look at what Spencer was reading.

“Nothing” Spencer said quickly, shaking away the memory of the party that she had drifted off into.

“Scientific theories of medicine in the 1920’s” Toby perked an eyebrow and laughed “That does not sound like something that would make me smile if I had to study it.”

“I wasn’t even reading” Spencer admitted with a laugh as she pushed the huge textbook aside and set down her pen she had been taking notes with. “I just had a memory from Freshman year randomly.”

“What about?” Toby asked with a smile, setting aside the newspaper he had been reading and sliding closer to Spencer now. He slid his arm around her as he sat on the stool next to her in the kitchen.

“It’s silly” Spencer whispered softly, her smile still remaining on her face as she thought back to the memory. “The weekend after the last day of school Freshman year, Noel Kahn threw is annual end of school party and Ali made us go” She shook her head as she recalled that entire conversation “Anyway, we were all in a circle playing spin the bottle, cliché I know, and they had this rule that if it was your turn and you spun and the person it landed on was someone you didn’t want to kiss you had to leave. You kiss or you leave” She rolled her eyes at that “Noel made it so his boys would actually get a chance to kiss a real girl.”

“Charming” Toby said with a laugh. “That’s what you were smiling about?”

“No” Spencer laughed lightly “God no. On one of my turns the bottle landed on Emily and I remember all of the boys were panting at the idea of two girls kissing. I didn’t want to do it for the sake that Emily was so shy and hadn’t even had a boyfriend yet and I didn’t want to embarrass her, you know?”

“A good friend” Toby mumbled with a nod.

“So anyway finally she and I just looked at each other and said, you know what, we’re friends and we will get through anything together, including drooling horny teenage boys wanting to watch us kiss. So we just closed are eyes and did it.”

“Oh. Was there tongue?” Toby asked with a smirk.

Spencer gasped and used her elbow to hit him in the ribs “You are just as bad as they are!”

Toby groaned and rubbed the spot, laughing lightly “Teasing. So what happened after you two kissed?”

“Nothing” Spencer said with a shrug. “I don’t know, I think Ali and Noel ended up making out all night. That wasn’t the point. I don’t know” She smiled again and as she thought back to it once more she felt a slight tingle on her lips “I guess just thinking about all the crazy stuff Em and I have gone through made me happy. It was a funny memory is all.”

Toby just nodded slowly then shifted to look over her shoulder at her face. He studied her for a moment then perked an eyebrow “Did you like kissing her?”

“What?” Spencer scoffed and turned her head to look at him “Stop being a pervert we were children.”

He caught the way her eyes flickered away from him for a moment and he cocked his head to the side “You did like kissing her, didn’t you?”

“No” Spencer rolled her eyes and turned in her chair to face him a little more “That was years ago. I barely understood my own hormones and all I knew was I was terrified of what they did to the body. Kissing was the last thing on my mind. The memory was just funny, that’s all.”

Toby nodded and studied her for another moment before he shrugged and kissed her shoulder before getting up and heading to the fridge. “Is Chicken alright for dinner?”

Phew. Spencer let out a silent sigh of relief and looked down at her hands. She couldn’t believe Toby not only caught her daydreaming about kissing Emily but had almost seen right through her to the fact that there was a little more than just a distant memory attached to that kiss now. She hadn’t stopped thinking about Emily since they had shared a kiss after her meet and the longer she went without seeing Emily the more she found herself reminiscing about her, and more importantly, the kiss.

“Green beans or corn?” Toby held up a bag of each from the freezer and smiled.

“Corn” Spencer said with a nod. “I’m going to go make my weekly call to my mom while you cook, okay?”

“Tell her I said hi” He said with a smirk, waving her away before turning to the stove and starting in on the meal.

Spencer closed the door to her bedroom and locked it before she took a few quick steps to her laptop and flipped it open. She waited for it to boot then immediately opened her skype program. “Be on, be on, be on” She whispered to herself as the log in screen went through the connection process. As soon as it was fully loaded she scanned her buddy list and smiled when she saw the name she had wanted to see. She clicked on it quickly and waited for the other person to connect.

“Hey” Emily’s bright smile was immediately obvious as soon as her video connection came through to Spencer’s screen. 

“Hi” Spencer smiled, letting out a happy sigh. “I’m glad you’re on.”

“I was just finishing a paper and thought I’d see if anyone was around.” Emily bit her bottom lip to fight her smile from spreading. “What are you doing?”

“Toby is making dinner” She glanced back over her shoulder at her door then frowned when she turned back around. “He caught me daydreaming about kissing you.”

“Oh” Emily smirked then let out a little giggle “Was it a good daydream?”

“Emily” Spencer scolded her with a shake of her head “That is not the point. I think he’s starting to notice something is up.”

Emily nodded and let out a sigh “Yeah, Paige too. I’m trying to act normal but I just can’t be with her like I used to be. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Don’t need the details” Spencer said blandly.

“Not like that” Emily rolled her eyes “I just meant like I feel like I’m living a lie every time we hold hands or cuddle and when she kisses me there’s not that same spark. Not like what I felt with you. Do you notice that with Toby, too?”

Spencer opened her mouth to answer then stopped and realized she had no answer. It had been two weeks since she and Emily had kissed and although she had returned to Philly to live her life as normally as possible she knew her mind was back with Emily. She had just been going through the motions with Toby. “I don’t know” She finally said with a shrug “I don’t notice, I guess. It’s become so routine that I don’t think about it.”

“That’s not good” Emily frowned “I think maybe you need to know. Maybe you were just confused by me and I get that. I wouldn’t want you throwing away what you have with Toby for a little confusion with me. What you have could be real, could be forever, but you should know for sure before you call it off.”

Spencer thought about it for a moment. She hadn’t even thought about calling it off. She hadn’t really realized the repercussions of her and Emily’s kiss because there hadn’t seemed to be any. No one knew about it and they both lived in different states so it wasn’t like they could sneak around all the time. But she hadn’t been there completely with Toby since. Her mind had been elsewhere and maybe even her heart had been as well. She was so swept up with feeling giddy over the kiss and all the feelings that came with it that she hadn’t realized that a real decision had to be made.

“Spence” Emily broke in after a moment of silence, having seen the wheels turning in her head. “You have to figure it out on your end.” Emily smiled a little bit and gave her a little nod “All I want is for you to be happy.”

Spencer’s heart nearly melted with how Emily was looking at her. It was that look that was so full of care and concern, the one she held when she looked at someone really important to her. Emily had the biggest heart of anyone she knew and that made this all the more confusing. She didn’t want to get her hopes up only to crush them. Emily was right she had to figure it out. “I have to go” Spencer said after a moment.

“I know” Emily said with a smile. “Enjoy your dinner and tell Toby I said hi.”

“I will” Spencer said with a nod. She gave her friend another soft smile and shrugged her shoulders “You know I never want to do anything to hurt you, right?”

“Of course” Emily whispered lightly “Take your time. I’ll be here waiting for whatever you decide.”

Spencer nodded and took in a deep breath. Emily was being so brave about it all it almost made her feel guilty. But she knew in her heart of hearts that Emily was right, that she had to figure it out, and that no matter what Emily would still be there for her. “Have a good night, Em.”

“See ya” Emily smiled and pressed the sign off button. She closed her computer and let out a happy sigh. She knew it wasn’t ideal but nothing in life ever was. She was holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, after all these years of secretly being in love with Spencer something good would come of it. That was all up to Spencer now, though, and as scary as that thought was it was also the way it was always meant to be.


	14. Chapter 14

It had been a week since Emily and Spencer last talked. It wasn’t because either of them was mad at the other but because they had agreed a little space and time would help Spencer figure it all out. It had helped a little bit, if Spencer was honest. She had gotten the chance to just be with Toby and really enjoy him again in an effort to know that if what she felt was still as amazing as it had always been or if she had to start thinking about maybe moving on.

Then she got bored of that. She missed Emily. She missed not talking to her or seeing her over Skype. She missed her jokes and her laugh and most of all just missed being around her. So when she looked at her calendar and realized there was another swim meet coming up she decided to pay her a visit.

So she packed up an overnight bag, just in case, and made the trip down to see Emily. She was all smiles as she walked into the familiar building where the dorms were held and when she reached Emily’s room her excitement almost boiled over. She could hear people inside talking and it sounded like a lot of the team was there getting pumped up for the meet.

She lifted her hand and gave a few knocks to the door, loud enough to hopefully cut through the excited chatter that was filling the room on the other side of the door. She bit her lip and rocked back on her heels as she waited for an answer. She couldn’t wait to just see Emily’s face again.

It was Paige who answered the door and the look on her face made it obvious that she had been expecting another teammate and seeing Spencer had taken her by surprise. “Hastings?” She looked at her a moment then laughed “What are you doing here?”

“Paige” Spencer gave her a genuine smile “Hey! I came to watch you guys swim, of course!” She rolled her eyes as if that should have been obvious then gave her shoulders a shrug “I just thought I would stop by and wish you two luck before heading to the pool to get a good seat.”

“Always so supportive” Paige stepped to the side and turned around to yell back into the room “Hey Em, there’s someone at the door for you.”

“Me?” Emily perked up and looked at the door to see if she could see who it might be. She wasn’t expecting anyone. When she didn’t catch sight of who it was right away she moved through the crowd and toward the door. As soon as her eyes fell onto the familiar smiling face of Spencer Hastings her heart jumped and her smile grew tenfold. “Spence!”

“Hey Em” Spencer grinned just as widely as her friend did and opened her arms awaiting the hug she knew was coming. 

“What are you doing here?” Emily asked with a laugh as she launched herself into her arms and wrapped her up in a hug. The immediate warmth from being pressed against Spencer sent a shiver down her spine and she had to fight it off before anyone saw it.

“You have a swim meet. I thought I’d come cheer you on” Spencer said with a shrug, still grinning even as the girls pulled back from the hug. “I told you I would try and be at every one I could.”

“But you’ve been so busy. I mean, we haven’t talked in a week.” Emily smiled and pushed her hair behind her ear.

“That’s not because I’ve been busy” Spencer perked an eyebrow as she spoke, silently reminding Emily they had agreed not to talk so Spencer could clear her head.

“Oh yeah” Emily said with a nod, biting her lip and fighting a smile. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Paige had stepped back inside the room but was hovering near the door, watching out of the corner of her eye and probably listening too. Emily looked back at Spencer and nodded “Not here.” She reached out and grabbed her hand, tugging it firmly so Spencer would follow before leading her down the stairs and out of the building.

_ “Where are we going, Emily?” Spencer asked as she swatted a branch out of her face, it having nearly slapped her when it swung back from Emily having pushed it away. _

_ “You’ll see soon enough” Emily said softly, a smile on her lips as she glanced back at her friend. _

_ It was one of the many weekends the girls spent together during the school year and Emily had been against hanging out with the rest of the girls. Spencer had been assigned the task by Ali to talk Emily into coming, saying Emily always listened to what Spencer had to say. When Spencer had gone to Emily’s house to see what was wrong, she had said she didn’t want to talk about it there and thus began the adventure through the woods they were on now. _

_ The path was not worn but the way Emily navigated it, it was obvious she knew exactly where to step to avoid tripping over rocks or roots. She had obviously taken this path more times than she could say and it made Spencer wonder exactly where they were going. _

_ A few moments later they hit a clearing in the woods and they were greeted with an old abandoned house. There were vines from base to roof all over it and there was a tree growing out of the living room. Spencer stopped and looked at the house, smiling at the subtle beauty it held. “Where are we?” _

_ “I don’t know” Emily said with a shrug, slowly letting her hand slide away from Spencer’s now, having been holding it to guide her through the woods. “I found it once when I was eight and ran away from my parents because my dad had been deployed again and I thought if I disappeared he would have to stay.” She let out a laugh and walked over to the house “I come here every now and then to clear my head, to just get away, and to hide when things get tough.” _

_ Spencer frowned a little bit and went over to her friend, putting a hand on her shoulder “What’s wrong now, Em?” _

_ Emily just shrugged and turned to look at Spencer “Ali’s been bugging me lately. I just can’t seem to make her happy. If it’s not my clothes then it’s my hair or who I sit by in class or who I date.” She shook her head and looked at her feet “She said I’m holding back the group because I haven’t even been on a date.” _

_ “That’s bull” Spencer rolled her eyes. Her hand moved and gently started to rub at Emily’s back, hoping to comfort her. “Don’t let her get to you. She just likes to think we are her little play things. Ignore her and she will stop picking on you, I promise.” _

_ Emily smiled gently and nodded her head “You always know how to cheer me up, Spence. What would I do without you?” _

_ “We will never have to find out” Spencer said with a soft laugh, nudging Emily playfully with her hip. _

The girls now moved to the back of the library, their hands still tangled together as Emily lead the way. She glanced over her shoulder and when she was sure no one was around she finally stopped and turned to face Spencer now, only this time her hand did not slide away.

“Geez, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you didn’t want to be seen with me” Spencer joked, glancing around the library and back to her friend “Why the sudden secret meeting place?”

“It’s not a secret meeting place” Emily rolled her eyes and finally let go of Spencer’s hand, the warmth immediately missed by her fingers. “Everyone knows Paige and I are together. I didn’t want anyone over hearing us and going to tell her.”

“What would we say that you might not want to get out?” Spencer asked with a smirk, her arms folding across her chest now.

“I don’t know” Emily said with a shrug, laughing a little “I guess it’s just such a habit to have to be careful who we talk about. Old habits die hard.” She rolled her eyes at how stupid that sounded then stepped back and let herself lean into one of the bookshelves. “You know, you never told me why you were here.”

“You never gave me the chance” Spencer replied, still smirking.

“Well now is your chance” Emily said sarcastically, scowling playfully at her friend.

“I” Spencer started then stopped when she realized she really didn’t have an explanation. She wanted to see Emily, that was what it was, really. But if that was all it was she could just ask her to skype and see her face then, right? That didn’t sound good to her though so instead she had driven all the way down to see her in person.

“Spence?” Emily could see the way Spencer’s mind was racing and now wondered if something was wrong. “What is it?”

“Nothing” Spencer shook her head a little “I mean, I wanted to see you but that seems obvious now, right? That is why I’m here. But it’s more than that. I guess I just needed to be around you.”

Emily nodded a little and shrugged her shoulder “I get it, I guess. I thought we were taking a break from each other so you could figure things out.”

“We were” Spencer nodded “We are. I don’t know. I just had the urge to see you and it was like a craving I couldn’t fulfill with anything but the real thing, does that make sense?”

Emily nodded slowly “I guess. But does this mean you figured it out?”

“No” Spencer said with a frown. She looked up at Emily and knew that was not what she had wanted to hear. “I just…” She tried to explain again and the words just evaded her. She let out a sigh and stepped forward. Without thinking about it she leaned into Emily, cupped a hand against her cheek, and pressed her lips firmly into Emily’s.

Emily was a little more surprised than she should have been. The last time they had seen each other they had kissed, too, but it still completely caught her off guard every time it happened. She didn’t stop it, though. Instead her own hand lifted and slid to the back of Spencer’s neck, her fingers curling into her hair and pulling their lips together more tightly.

Both girls let out a soft moan into the kiss as Spencer’s lips parted and her tongue sought out Emily’s. Neither girl hesitated in taking the kiss deeper, each of them allowing their other to fully taste and explore their mouth.

Spencer had been so sure about so many things in her life and yet nothing seemed as crystal clear as this did in the moment. Nothing felt so right and nothing made more sense than this. The way Emily’s lips felt on her, the way their tongues danced together, and how their bodies fit together as Spencer pushed Emily into the shelf were all clearer to her than anything. Emily made her feel for the first time in longer than she knew.

Emily shivered against Spencer’s body when she felt her press into her. Her back was pinned to the shelf and her entire front was pressed from head to toe against Spencer. It felt more amazing to her than she could have ever imagined it would. It was everything she had dreamed of and more and there was nothing more she would rather be doing in that moment that this. It was the most electricity she had ever felt in her life.

That’s why it physically pained her to pull from the kiss but she knew she had to. She had to stop them for Paige, for Toby, and for their friendship. This is not how this could happen and if this was the only way they could be together then Emily didn’t want it, even though she really wanted it. “Spencer” She mumbled softly as she broke from the kiss and pushed at her shoulder lightly “We can’t. We have to stop.”

Spencer groaned but backed away because she knew Emily was right. She had a meet to go to. She had a girlfriend to go to. She wasn’t sure what had taken hold of her but fighting it was nearly impossible when she was near Emily. “I’m sorry, I just-“

“I know” Emily breathed out softly. Spencer didn’t have to explain, she knew exactly what it was like to be swept up by someone so completely that all you wanted to do was be lost in them forever.

Spencer drew in a breath and nodded, stepping back away from her completely now and offering a shy smile. She smoothed her hands over her outfit and licked her lips. “I guess we should get to the meet now.”

“Yeah” Emily let out a laugh and motioned toward the exit of the library. “The meet is a good idea.”

The meet had gone swimmingly and with the team easily winning, a celebration was at hand. Since Spencer did not have to be home the next day for class she had been invited by Paige, Emily, and the rest of the team to come with them to celebrate. She had insisted that she did not want to intrude but when no one let that be an excuse not to come, she gave in and decided a little celebrating could be fun. It wasn’t like she and Emily would make out again, they would be in a room full of people this time!

The team had opened the doors to their dorms on the top floor, the floor Paige stayed on, and they were now all mingling with one another. They were roaming freely from room to room and even lingering in the hallways. There were drinks, non-alcoholic of course, and snacks. There was music playing softly in one room and soon more people started to show up. Before long it was a victory party that had turned into a dorm party but none of the team seemed to be complaining.

Spencer was leaning against one of the walls in the hall, talking with the girl who had anchored the backstroke relay that day when she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning to see Paige, she gave her a smile and excused herself from the conversation she had been having. After taking a few steps away from her, she looked up at Paige and nodded “What’s up, Paige?”

“Look” Paige said bluntly, glancing around to make sure no one else was within ear shot, especially not Emily, before her eyes returned to meet Spencer’s “I know what’s going on.”

“What do you mean?” Spencer asked calmly. She felt her heart start to race a little but she was not going to get worked up over something that Paige might not really be talking about.

“Don’t play dumb, Spencer. It’s a little insulting to my intelligence.”

“Paige” Spencer shook her head a little now, meeting her eyes with sincerity “I’m not sure what it is you are talking about here exactly.” It was true. She didn’t know exactly what she was referring to.

“Emily” Paige said with a frown. She glanced down the hallway and saw the girl standing at the end, surrounded with a group of people, probably all of which were swooning over her relay swim that day.

“What about her?” Spencer silently gulped then covered the action with taking a drink from her cup.

“I see the way she looks at you, Spencer” Paige said with a shake of her head and a defeated sigh. “I see the way she lights up when you come around. She used to smile at me the same way but she doesn’t anymore.” She glanced at her feet and took a breath, not wanting to get upset. She nodded and looked back at Spencer “You look at her the way I looked at her all through high school. I’m not blind, I see the effect the girl has on people, she’s always had it on people, but with you it’s different. You get that look in your eye like she is the best person you’ve ever known.”

“Paige, we’re just friends, I-“

“Stop” Paige lifted a hand to stop her before continuing herself. She looked back at Emily through the crowd and let out a heavy sigh. She shook her head and when she looked back at Spencer there were tears in her eyes “Don’t take her from me, Spencer. She is the best person I have ever known and you know that’s true for you, too. We both know how incredible she is. I’ve always thought I was lucky that I got the chance to be with her. I’ve always know the only person I could lose her to was you.” She bit at her lip and swallowed the lump in her throat “I’ll never love anyone the way I love her so please don’t take that from me.”

Spencer opened her mouth to say something but there was nothing to say. She was looking heartbreak right in the eye and it felt horrible. She and Paige had not always gotten along but that was in the past now and she knew Paige was a good person who loved her friend more than anything in the world. To see what she was doing to her, to an innocent party in this, it was just too much to handle. She shook her head and quickly handed her cup over to Paige “I’m sorry” She managed to mumble before she turned and bolted down the steps as fast as she could.

Emily saw Spencer suddenly disappear and immediately she excused herself from the crowd. She dodged her way through the people gathered in the hallway and made her way over to Paige, concern in her eyes when she reached her “Where did Spencer go?”

Paige shrugged and looked at her girlfriend “We were talking and she got a phone call and just left suddenly. She didn’t have time to explain.”

Emily frowned and nodded with her eyes on the steps as if she might be able to will Spencer to come back. “Don’t know who called?”

Paige just shrugged and shook her head “She just said she was sorry and left.” She reached out and took Emily’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze “Let’s get back to the party.”

Spencer could barely see through her tears as she tore through the streets trying to leave Emily behind as fast as possible. The pure pain on Paige’s face was something she could never get out of her head. And to think that Toby could look the exact same way if she found out what had been going on. It hurt. What was she doing? She was hurting people she cared about who didn’t deserve it. And Emily? What if whatever this was never worked out? Their friendship could be over and she couldn’t handle that. Emily was right, she needed to figure it out and she just did. None of it was worth hurting those so close to her and it definitely wasn’t worth potentially losing Emily forever. It had to be over and it had to be over for good.

It was a few hours later and Emily still had not heard from Spencer. Every phone call went straight to voicemail and every text went unanswered. She was worried to say the least. If something had happened that caused Spencer to have to leave without saying goodbye, she would have hoped her friend would have at least texted her to tell her everything was okay now. What if it wasn’t? Or what if Spencer had decided to leave forever and Paige was just being a good girlfriend making up a story about the phone call. It wasn’t like Spencer to not at least let Emily know what had happened.

It was after midnight when her phone finally vibrated. Emily had just about been asleep when she heard her phone go off. She reached for it quickly and when she glanced at the screen to see it was a text from Spencer, she smiled in relief. She was alive and still talking to her. Quickly she opened the message and in that moment she felt her heart twist like a sponge being wrung out. It was two simple words but they said so much. She knew now nothing had happened, no phone call, no emergency. Spencer had made up her mind once and for all and now Emily had no idea if she would ever see her friend again.

“We can’t” Emily whispered as she re-read the text once more before closing her phone and collapsing onto her pillow in tears. She was almost sure she would never feel happy again. The one thing she had wanted most in life has just been torn from her grip forever, never to return, and the only thing that remained was the bittersweet taste in her mouth. Spencer Hastings had broken her heart.


	15. Chapter 15

It had been weeks since Spencer had left without so much as a goodbye. Emily had barely been sleeping and it had been taking a toll on not only her school work but her swimming as well. Paige knew what was going on but she couldn’t admit it because she would have to admit that it was she who had convinced Spencer to leave Emily alone for good. The guilt alone was killing her but that selfish part of her still could not give up Emily, not without a fight.

“Movie tonight? My room?” Paige asked Emily in the locker room after practice that day, giving her a soft, hopeful smile as she ran the towel over her hair.

Emily looked up at Paige and thought about her offer for a moment. She saw the little glint of hope in her girlfriend’s eyes and her stomach suddenly had a pang of guilt. How could she have been ready to throw this away? Paige cares so much about her, would do anything to make her smile, and always had. Paige was good to her, she deserved to have happiness too and Emily was the one that made her happy. She gave Paige a smile and nodded her head after a moment “Sounds like fun.”

“Yeah?” Paige perked up, her smile growing as she put her towel into her locker.

“Yes” Emily affirmed with a nod, leaning in to kiss her cheek lightly, a genuine smile on her face. It was nice to see someone actually excited at the thought of spending time with her. “I’ll bring the takeout.”

“Cool” Paige nodded, biting her lip excitedly as she gathered her bag and slung it over her shoulder. She closed her locker and turned to look at Emily. She watched her comb her hair a moment before nodding and taking in a deep breath. The smile on Emily’s lips was genuine. Maybe things really could get back to normal. “I’ll see you tonight” Paige finally said, stepping past her, letting her hand gently brush along her shoulders, and giving her a smile before moving out of the locker room and heading toward her dorm.

Emily watched her go with a smile on her face. Once she disappeared, she looked back into the mirror in her locker and let out a heavy sigh. She looked into her own eyes and after a moment gave a nod to herself before closing her locker, gathering her bag, and heading out toward her own dorm room, actually excited for the night ahead.

Spencer let out a yawn and stretched out on the couch. She blinked her eyes opened and realized in that moment she had fallen asleep on the couch studying again. She sat up with a shot and looked around, catching the clock on the table shining the time at her, and groaned. “Shoot, I slept most of the afternoon.”

“I didn’t want to wake you” Toby said softly from the kitchen, a smile on her lips.

“You should have!” Spencer got up from the couch, wrapping the blanket around her quickly and moving into the kitchen.

“Why?” He shrugged and turned his head now to look at her with a smile. “You are overworking yourself, you obviously needed the rest. Besides, you looked cute all passed out with your book on top of you.” He smirked, laughing softly and turning back to the pan on the stove.

Spencer smiled softly and shook her head “You know I have a huge test tomorrow. Now when am I going to study?”

“After dinner” Toby grinned, lifting the spoon now and holding it out toward Spencer, offering her a taste. “I will make sure we go through all of your flashcards three times before bed.”

“You spoil me” Spencer said with her little half smile, leaning in to take a taste from the spoon he offered. She licked at her lips and nodded, impressed with what she had tasted. “Wow that’s really good, what’s in it?”

“A chef never tells” Toby winked and leaned down to kiss her quickly on the lips. “Now sit down, it’s almost ready.”

Spencer returned the kiss and nodded before turning and taking a seat at one of the stools at the island. She smiled slightly and propped her hand up on her chin, watching Toby finish what he was doing. He was good to her, always watching out for her, and always so understanding when she got insane about school. 

Yet she couldn’t get Emily out of her mind. Every time Toby kissed her, she felt next to nothing. There wasn’t that excitement or spark that came when she kissed Emily. In fact, the more she kissed him, the more she felt dead inside. It was like taking a bite of a hollow Easter bunny. It had a nice appeal on the outside but as soon as you dove in you were left empty. She wondered if that would ever change. Maybe the longer she stayed away from Emily the more spark would come back to her and Toby.

“I’m on my way” Emily said into the phone with a smile, her head nodding a bit as she shuffled things around in her bag. “I just have to find my keys then go pick up the food.”

“Look on your dresser” Paige said from the other end of the phone.

Emily stopped what she was doing, turned, looked at her dresser, and smiled. “How do you always do that?”

“I know you, Em” Paige laughed softly “Now hurry up, I’m starved.”

“See you soon” She smiled and hung up her phone before stepping up to the dresser and grabbing her keys. She had half turned toward the door when something caught her eye and she slowly turned back. She bit at her lip and let out a sigh as her eyes landed on the little glass eyes staring at her. She stared back for a moment before shaking her head and reaching out to grab the stuffed shark from her dresser. She turned and tossed the toy into the trash near her bed and without looking back headed out the door and toward her car. She wasn’t going to hold onto the past anymore. She was going to look forward, to the future, one that included someone who could love her completely.

Spencer sat now at her desk, glasses on her eyes, staring blankly at the book in front of her. She didn’t even know how many times she had read the same sentence. She let out a sigh and closed her eyes. She pulled off her glasses and lifted her hands to pinch at the bridge of her nose. It was early and she hadn’t gone to sleep.

“You’re awake already?” Toby asked in a groggy voice as he stumbled into the kitchen, having been wanting to make coffee, but seeing it was already made he grabbed a cup to fill instead.

“Never went to bed” Spencer mumbled softly, glancing over her shoulder at him with a shrug of her shoulders. It had been weeks since she had gotten a proper night’s sleep. Each time she closed her eyes she was tortured with nightmares. She was running after Emily but could never catch her. Behind her was Toby, begging for her to stay, yet nothing in her heart pulled her back, only forward.

“Still worried about your paper?” Toby sat next to Spencer now, leaning in to kiss at her shoulder.

Without even thinking about it, Spencer shrugged her shoulder away from Toby’s lips. Once she realized what she had done, she turned and looked at him, shock on her face.

He frowned and shook his head at that, sliding away from her a little and setting down his coffee. “What was that?”

“Sorry, I…” She shook her head and pushed some of her messy loose hairs out of her face “I’m tired and on edge. It just happened.”

Toby nodded his head and got to his feet. She grabbed his coffee and turned away from her, taking a few steps toward the kitchen.

“Toby, I-“

“No” He lifted his hand and turned to face her now. “I don’t want to hear it, Spencer. You’ve been distant for weeks now. I’ve tried to convince myself it was school but you’ve been acing every paper or test you take. So all I can do is imagine what it is, what I’ve done wrong, and I can’t come up with anything. I’m sitting here day after day picking my brain and only one thing comes up.”

Spencer shook her head, trying to stop him from continuing, but the words never made it out of her throat.

“One thing” He continued with bite in his voice now. “Every time you visit Emily, or say you visit Emily at least, you come back all weird and distracted.” He shrugged and put the coffee on the counter and folded his arms. “So what’s his name? Is Emily helping you by being your cover? How long has this been going on?”

“Wh-what?” Spencer mumbled in disbelief, shaking her head and blinking quickly as she tried to wrap her head around what he had just said. “Who are you talking about?”

“The other guy you’ve been seeing!”

“I haven’t been seeing another guy” Spencer whispered.

“Don’t” He lifted his hand and shook his head “It’s insulting to me that you think I’m that stupid. I figured it out, Spencer. How else can you explain you always wanting to visit her? Your being so distant when you come back? You barely even kiss me anymore! I’ve always been good at math, Spence, and it all adds up.”

Spencer shook her head a little bit and stood up from where she had been sitting at her desk. “Toby” She said calmly, holding her hands out as if trying to calm him from across the room “I promise you, Toby, there is no other guy.” She licked her lips and drew in a deep breath, nodding as she stared him in the eyes trying to show him her words were true.

Toby stared at her for a moment before his face fell and he frowned. He could see she was telling the truth and now he was as confused as ever.

Spencer could see his face twisting in confusion and she felt her heart twist with guilt. He was right, she had been distant and distracted and now she was seeing the effects of that face to face. She was seeing what she was doing to him and she didn’t like to see it. But it didn’t hurt as much as she thought it might. She had dreaded having to tell him the truth and see him hurt but now that she was face to face with that very situation she knew hurting him now would be a lot more merciful than carrying on like she was until she caused too much pain to fix.

“I’m sorry” She finally breathed out as she reached him, her hand reaching out to touch at his arm “You don’t deserve this.”

“Don’t deserve what? I-I thought you said there wasn’t another guy?”

“There isn’t” Spencer shook her head quickly and offered a quick flash of a smile before her face got serious again. “But you’re right, I haven’t been the same. We haven’t been the same and that is my fault.”

“It’s okay. You’re stressed and busy. We can work on it” Toby offered up a forgiving smile and slid his hand along her arm.

“No” Spencer said softly, biting her lip to hide a frown “We can’t because I’m not in this anymore. I’m sorry” She shook her head and turned away from him now so she wouldn’t have to see the heartbreak on his face “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?” Toby swallowed a lump in his throat and his arms dropped to his side “Spencer, I don’t get it. What happened?”

Spencer just shook her head and put a hand to her mouth to stop herself from sobbing out. She closed her eyes and let a few tears trickle down her cheeks before she was able to draw breath enough to speak again “I’m sorry, Toby. I’m just not in love with you anymore.”


	16. Chapter 16

Emily smiled as she laid in bed, soaking in the heat from the sun, and enjoying the fact that she didn’t have to get up early that morning. It was nearly Thanksgiving and the coach had given the team a break for the holidays since they didn’t have another meet until after the New Year. So she had been enjoying sleeping in and it had helped with what little school work she had left until the semester ended. Things with her and Paige seemed to be getting better and she was starting to feel like her old self again.

She let out a long yawn and reached for her phone, smiling when she saw a text from Paige waiting for her. She opened it and read it to herself as she sat up from bed and stretched a bit. She typed out a quick response then tossed her phone aside and went to her dresser to find some clothes. Paige wanted to meet her for lunch and she definitely did not want to go looking like a bum. She was feeling particularly good that morning and wanted to share that with Paige.

After a nice long shower Emily got dressed, did her hair, and a light coat of makeup. She grabbed her phone, keys, and bag before heading up three flights of stairs to Paige’s dorm room. With a slight spring in her step she stopped in front of Paige’s door and knocked on it lightly, all smiles as she waited for her to answer.

Paige answered a few moments later and offered a smile as she grabbed her bag as well “Hey. You look nice, what’s the occasion?”

“A good night of sleep” Emily said with a happy shrug “I just woke up feeling like my old self again, I guess. Besides, don’t you like it when I wear my hair up and a baggy sweater every day?” She gave a playful pout, batting her eyes lightly.

Paige laughed and rolled her eyes “Of course, I think you’re beautiful all the time. It’s just nice to see you getting back to your old sense of style. I’ve always liked the way you dressed.”

“Well now that I don’t have early classes or practice every morning I can actually put in the effort instead of just dragging myself out of bed each day.” She smiled and reached out her hand toward Paige “So are we going to eat or what?”

“Definitely” Paige said with a grin, stepping out of her dorm and closing the door behind her. Instead of taking Emily’s hand, though, she just pushed both hands into her pockets and let Emily lead them out of the building and to her car.

The drive was short and soon they were in their favorite little diner, both sipping on some tea, and waiting for their food to arrive. Paige was staring out the window and had been quiet most of the ride, too. Emily frowned and let out a sigh as she set down her tea and reached her hand out across the table “Is something wrong? You’ve been quiet today.”

Paige just shrugged and looked down at their hands. She stared at it for a moment before she moved her thumb across Emily’s and slowly turned her hand over to take hold of Emily’s hand. She slowly looked up at the girl across from her and offered a soft smile “I have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?” Emily asked softly, genuinely concerned now with what was going on in her head.

Paige shrugged again and her eyes dropped to their hands. She gave her hand a squeeze then slowly pulled her hand out from under Emily’s and brought it to rest on her own lap. She glanced at Emily then back to her hands in her lap before she finally spoke “Have you heard from Spencer?”

Emily’s heart jumped into her throat at the mention of her friend. She hadn’t thought of her in a while. Every now and then her mind would drift to her, or she would have a dream involving her, but it hadn’t been like it was before. At least she thought so. Maybe she had just distracted herself enough that she had herself convinced that she had started to move past her. But now hearing her name she felt heat flush through her and her throat tighten a little.

“Em?” Paige frowned, studying her face when she got no answer.

“Sorry” Emily shook her head and blinked “No, I haven’t heard from her. I was just thinking about how long it had been. No I haven’t heard from her in…” She shrugged a little and gave her head another shake “Two months maybe?”

Paige nodded her head a little bit and took a deep breath “The party after our meet.”

Emily blinked when Paige so quickly recalled the day. Her brow knitted in curiosity and she nodded slowly as she studied Paige’s face “Yeah. She left randomly, remember? You said she got a phonecall and she had to leave. I got a text from her later that night but that was the last I’ve heard from her.”

Paige nodded her head and looked down again. She chewed her lower lip for a moment then opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by their food arriving.

“There you girls go” The server said with a bright smile “You ladies need anything else?”

“No” Emily shook her head and offered a polite smile “Thank you.”

The server winked at them then turned to go check on her other tables. Emily just looked back at Paige curiously as she lifted her fork and started to poke at her salad. “Have you heard from Spencer?”

“No” Paige shook her head quickly, looking at her food but not moving to touch it. 

Emily nodded, still confused, her eyes on Paige in hopes of catching a clue from her as to what was going on. When Paige just stared at her food, Emily shrugged “Why do you ask?”

Paige sighed heavily and slowly lifted her eyes across the table. She frowned and lifted a single shoulder in a shrug “The night she left she didn’t get a phonecall.”

“What?” Emily blinked and stopped the movement of her fork to her mouth, staring at Paige now with an intense gaze. “What do you mean?”

“At the party, she didn’t get a phonecall. I kind of, um” Paige cleared her throat and shrugged again “I kind of bullied her into leaving.”

“Why would you do that?” Emily put her fork down now and folded her arms over her chest, her brows curling together in disappointment now. “I thought you two got along?”

“We do. I mean, we did. It’s just…” Paige drew in a long breath and brought her eyes up to catch Emily’s gaze now. She bit her lip and after a moment sighed in defeat “I knew what was going on, I could see it in both of you. I could see the way you looked at one another, the way you smiled around each other. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to lose you so I asked Spencer to leave you alone.”

“Wh-what?” Emily stammered and her arms dropped into her lap. She was flooded conflicting feelings now. Half of her felt guilt that Paige had been able to see what had been happening and the other half of her was pissed at Paige for having interfered like that.

“It was wrong, I know it was” Paige said quickly as if she were afraid Emily was about to lecture her. “I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” She bit her lip and dropped her head in shame, her eyes closing, and her head shaking. “I was wrong to do it and I haven’t been happy since then because I can’t help wondering if you stayed because you had no other option or if you really wanted to stay with me.”

“Paige” Emily frowned and reached out to put her hand on her arm “I love you, you should know that. I wouldn’t stay with you because I have no other option. That wouldn’t be right.”

“And neither is stopping you from being really happy for my own selfish reasons.”

“I am happy, Paige” Emily whispered.

“Not as happy as you could be with her” Paige looked up again, tears now filling her eyes. “Em, I know you and I know where your heart is. I’ve known where it’s always been and it is wrong for either of us to deny it any longer.”

“Paige” Emily shook her head slowly

“I believe that you love me and were marginally happy with me. You can’t really fake what we’ve shared” She offered a smile “But I also know I will never be enough for you because I don’t have all of your heart and can never have it all.”

Emily wiped a tear from her eye and tried to talk but Paige continued before she could get a word out.

“So I’m letting you go. I don’t really know what’s going to happen and considering you haven’t spoken to her in so long, who knows what is going on with her, but I can’t stop you from trying anymore. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and if that happiness if with her, then so be it.” Paige wiped at her cheek and forced a smile “Be patient, okay? Maybe it won’t work out right away but with the way you two have always connected with each other, it is destined to figure itself out eventually.”

“Paige-“

“Just like it did for me once” Paige continued, her smile now more real but her words a little softer as her tears started to stream more freely now. “And when it did, it was good, better than I had ever imagined it could be” She drew in a breath to try and steady her words “Until it wasn’t anymore. No one can be blamed for that, life is just like that sometimes. All you can do is be thankful for the opportunity, learn from it, grow from it, and move onto what feels right.”

Emily swallowed the lump in her throat and wiped her cheek again. She leaned forward now and let her thumb brush over Paige’s cheek, smearing the mascara streaks that had formed from her tears. She offered the girl a smile and shook her head “You’ve always put me first and I have no way of ever thanking you enough for that. I am who I am because of you.”

“I know” Paige said with a smile, causing both girls to laugh lightly. Paige closed her eyes and moved her face into Emily’s hand for a moment before drawing in a deep breath and opening her eyes once more. When her gaze focused on Emily’s face, she nodded just once “Promise me you’ll do the same for her.”

Emily nodded quickly and choked out a cough before sniffling and giving her a smile “I promise.”

Paige smiled and lifted her napkin to wipe at her eyes. It hurt but not as much as she thought it might. She knew she was doing the right thing and she could only hope that one day she could be as happy as she hoped Emily would be with Spencer.

“Thank you” Emily said softly as she slid into the booth next to Paige now and slid her arms around the girl. She pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her on the top of her head. “I really did love you. I hope you know that.”

“Without a doubt” Paige whispered against Emily’s neck “No one has ever loved me the way you did.”

“But one day someone will love you better than I ever could” Emily whispered with a nod, placing another kiss to the top of her head.


	17. Chapter 17

It had been a month since Paige and broken up with Emily. Emily hadn’t exactly bounced back the next day, it had taken a couple weeks for her to be able to smile again. She had loved Paige, there had been no denying that, and letting that go had been hard. But Paige was right, it was for the best for both of them. That hadn’t stopped Emily from reaching out to Spencer almost immediately, though. Not to tell her the coast was clear, not really, but more in search of comfort than anything. When Spencer hadn’t responded she was sure that Spencer was gone forever.

Hanna had come for a visit a week after they had broken up and although the mani/pedi combo followed with a day of watching chick flicks and gorging on junk food had helped a little, it hadn’t healed all wounds. Emily ended up spilling to Hanna all that had happened with herself and Paige, and Spencer, and how she felt more alone than ever now. Always the optimist, Hanna had assured her it would work out in the end because they’d gone through too much crap in life for them not to have a happy ending.

Emily had stayed on campus for Thanksgiving. Her parents were in Texas still, Hanna had gone with Caleb to visit his mother in California, and she had not wanted to risk a visit back to Rosewood in case she ran into Spencer. She had obviously been avoiding her and she did not want to spend her holiday in an awkward game of duck and cover. Besides, the near constant silence of the campus had afforded her time to clear her head.

A few weeks later and it was time for her to visit her parents. They had gotten her a plane ticket to Texas as a Christmas gift and Emily was thrilled. She needed her parents. Everything in her life had fallen apart and wasn’t making sense. She knew a visit with her parents would put everything back into perspective. They had always kept her grounded and she was more thankful for that than she could ever say.

After nearly three months of silence from Spencer Emily had given up on her. She had pushed too hard and crossed a line and ruined a friendship forever. Had she been able to control herself and not kiss her then none of this would have ever happened. But instead she was now alone and not sure she would ever be able to open her heart to another person again. She would forever be haunted by the “what if” and the “what could have been”.

“I know you’re not talking to me and might never talk to me again but I just wanted to call and wish you and Toby a Merry Christmas. This time of year doesn’t feel the same without you.” She let out a heavy sigh into the phone as she tossed clothes into her bag. She didn’t know what compelled her to do it but she wanted to leave Spencer one last voicemail if for nothing else then to let her know she still cared. “I hope you’re well. Merry Christmas, Spence, and happy New Year.”

She dropped her phone and turned around to finish packing. Her flight to Texas left in a couple hours and she could not wait to leave her campus behind, leave the drama behind, see her parents, and start refreshed when she came back. Just the idea of seeing her parents kept a smile on her face as she danced around the room packing all she would need for her visit.

“Can’t wait to see you, Emmy” She read the text from her dad and let out a laugh. No matter how old she got he wouldn’t let go of that nickname. “We are so excited to spoil our only daughter. We are so proud of you.”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. Her parents had always been generous at Christmas and for her birthday even though she told them they needn’t be. The past few years she had convinced them to spend more money giving to the less fortunate as a gift to her but she was sure they’d go the old route this year since they had not seen each other since the late summer. It would be nice but what she was really looking forward to was their love and affection. She had missed that more than anything.

“Can’t wait to see you, be there in a few hours. Love you dad.” Emily replied to the text then tucked her phone away in her purse. She looked around her dorm to make sure she had not forgotten anything before she grabbed the handle of her suitcase and rolled it toward the door. She gave one last glance then pulled open the door and turned off the light as she stepped into the hallway.

She nearly tripped over the huge box that was waiting on her doorstep. She jumped back in surprise before her eyes focused on it and she began to laugh. She rolled her eyes and reached for the card attached to the comically oversized box. “Dad you shouldn’t have” She whispered with a shake of her head as she opened the card and began to read it. “It’s not much but it’s all I have to give. Merry Christmas, Emily.”

She smiled widely and looked at the box, putting a hand over her heart, truly touched by her parent’s gesture “Not much? Unless this box is empty it’s more than I deserve” She mumbled to herself as she reached out to the lid. She inspected it for a moment before she found where it opened and began to pull “It better not be too big or it won’t fit in my carry on” She said with a laugh as the lid lifted off.

Immediately it was obvious the gift was not from her parents. She stepped back in surprise, her jaw dropping, as she stared in disbelief. Out of the box rose a slender figure and Emily probably looked like she had seen a ghost.

Spencer stood there in the box, smiling widely at the girl who had just opened it. She eyed her for a second before shaking her head and letting out a laugh “I came all this way, nearly suffocated waiting for you to come out, and you aren’t even going to say hi?”

Emily blinked then nodded and let out a laugh “Spencer? What…” She licked her lips and realized her mouth was suddenly dry “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you” Spencer said with a laugh and a motion to the box she still stood in “I thought that was obvious.”

Emily smiled slowly as she started to realize this was not a dream. Spencer was actually here in the flesh, smiling at her and standing in a huge present like a dork. She shook her head and her smile faded as she suddenly felt mad. All the questions and confusion and hurt Spencer had caused her all flooded back in one huge wave of emotion “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been in Philly, Em” Spencer frowned. This was not the reaction she had expected.

“I’ve been calling you and texting you and emailing you” Emily’s brow creased into a frown and she folded her arms “You disappeared when I needed you, Spencer. For all I knew, you were dead.”

“I wasn’t” Spencer said softly, stepping over the side of the box now and moving toward Emily.

“You might as well have been” Emily scoffed and stepped back from the approaching girl.

“I’m sorry” Spencer whispered softly and stopped her approach. She frowned seeing how upset Emily was. “I didn’t mean for it to hurt you. I was just doing what you said, Em. You were right, I had to figure it out on my own.”

“By cutting me off?” Emily had to fight from yelling the words.

“I couldn’t have any distractions” Spencer said softly. “Em, you get into my head and you mess with my clarity and it was confusing me. I didn’t know which way was up. I had to do it with a clear head and my head just can’t be clear when you’re around.”

Emily’s frown deepened and she shrugged her shoulders “Gee thanks.”

“I mean that in a good way” Spencer offered sincerely, smiling slightly and trying to get Emily to do the same. “It’s like studying for a test in complete silence. You can really get into the material, soak it in, and get a hold of it.”

Emily nodded slightly and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. She bit her lip and the question she had been fighting finally bubbled out of her lips “What did you figure out?”

Spencer’s smile grew and her face softened. She held out her hands and motioned to herself as if it should be obvious. When Emily just perked an eyebrow at her, Spencer rolled her eyes and let out a laugh. She closed the gap between them with a few steps and before Emily could stop it she had trapped her head in her hands and was pressing her lips to Emily’s in a fierce kiss.

Emily’s legs nearly went weak. Had she not just been pushed against the door by Spencer she was sure she would had fallen over. She couldn’t fight the moan that escaped her lips. Her every nerve was ignited from head to toe. She dropped both her suitcase and her purse as her hands moved around Spencer’s body and pulled her into the embrace, leaving no space between their bodies.

Spencer shivered when Emily took her into her arms. Her heart was leaping, flipping, and pounding harder than it ever had in her life. Her entire body was warm and each time their lips tugged and their tongues slid against the other’s she felt electricity course through her. She had never felt anything like this before.

Emily was dizzy from the kiss. She could barely pull in breaths of air in the small gaps between their lips but she didn’t care. She would rather pass out then pull away, fearing if she stopped it, the dream would end and she would wake up. All of the hurt and confusion dissipated and all that mattered now was the kiss in that moment.

Spencer finally pulled back from the kiss, leaving the both of them heaving for air. Emily had a dreamy look on her face and Spencer smirked as she ran her tongue over her lips to sweep up the taste of the kiss. They stared at one another for a long time before Spencer caught her breath enough to talk “That no one ignites me with a single kiss the way you do.”

Emily let out a breathless laugh and let her head fall back against the door. Her eyes closed and she just drew in a few heavy breaths before she finally whispered softly “I swear to god if you leave me again like this I will kick your ass.”

“Feisty” Spencer said with a giggle, her hands sliding from Emily’s neck to her shoulders then down along her stomach. She leaned in and touched a kiss to her chin before shaking her head. She lifted a hand to Emily’s chin and pulled her face down until their eyes met “I promise you I am not leaving this time.”

“Good because I don’t think my heart can take losing you for, what, the fourth time?” Emily gave a pitiful laugh at that.

“It will never have to deal with losing me again” Spencer whispered, leaning in to touch another kiss to her lips lightly.

Emily closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around Spencer tightly again. She held her for a moment, not wanting this to end. Then a realization hit her and she let out a groan and opened her eyes “Shoot.”

“What?” Spencer asked softly, her fingers gently brushing up and down Emily’s arm.

“I have to leave. I have a plane to catch. I’m going to Texas to see my parents for the weekend.” She frowned and let out a heavy sigh “You have horrible timing.”

“No I don’t” Spencer said with a laugh. She stepped out of her arms now and leaned down to scoop up Emily’s bags. She handed them over then turned back to the box and leaned over, reaching inside, and lifting up her own bag. She slung it over her shoulder then turned to grin at Emily “Because I am coming with you.”

“What?” Emily was shocked, to say the least.

Spencer smirked and offered her hand to Emily “Your parents were really excited to surprise you.”

“You..” Emily’s jaw dropped and she shook her head as she took Spencer’s hand. “I can’t believe you did this!”

“What can I say? I know someone who is a sucker for grand gestures” Spencer gave her a wink and nudged her with her hip as they started down the hallway together.

“This is already the best Christmas ever” Emily whispered, squeezing Spencer’s hand softly as they walked off into the sunset together.


	18. Chapter 18

_ One year later… _

Though it had been a light winter thus far, there was a dusting of snow covering the ground and trees and it made for the perfect scene, Emily thought, as she hung an ornament on one of the tree branches, her eyes fixed out the window at the soft white flakes that decorated the outside world.

Spencer’s hand slid across Emily’s back to her hip where she gripped lightly and gave her a pull until their bodies softly came together. She smirked and leaned in to touch a kiss to her cheek before her lips parted and she whispered into her ear “What you looking at?”

Emily’s head shook and she smiled, turning her gaze now from the window to the girl standing next to her. She caught Spencer’s bright eyes looking at her inquisitively and her heart skipped a beat. She couldn’t believe Spencer Hastings looked at her like that. “Just thinking how beautiful it is outside. I can’t wait for the first real snow of the season.”

“Me either” Hanna broke into the moment, having approached the tree to hang one of the decorations she had gotten from the box. “I’m surprised it hasn’t dumped on us yet.”

Spencer laughed to herself and moved away from Emily, the moment ruined by Hanna, bless her innocent heart.

Emily nodded in agreement and watched Spencer step away before looking back at her blonde friend “I love when it just snows for hours and hours on end. You can get a cup of cocoa and sit under a blanket and just watch it out the window. It’s one of my favorite things to do. There’s such a romance to it.”

“Agreed” Aria chimed in from the couch where she was untangling ornaments and adding new hooks to the ones that needed it. “I love this time of year.”

“Me too” All three of the other girls said in union causing them to all glance at each other and laugh. They giggled for a moment before it died down and the room grew quiet. They worked in silence for a moment, each of them doing the task they were assigned, until Hanna finally spoke again.

“So how does it feel?” She asked with a smile as she slid another hook around another branch on the tree.

“How does what feel?” Spencer asked, not looking up from where she was untangling the tinsel she was going to hang around the windows when she got it sorted out.

“Decorating your first tree together?” Hanna said with a smile and a glance to Emily, who was beaming as well.

“Han, we’ve decorated lots of trees together” Spencer let out a soft laugh and finally looked up at her friend. “We used to decorate each other’s trees every year, remember? We would make it a weekend event and spend the whole two days at all four of our houses. It used to drive my mom nuts but I told her it was tradition so she always let us do it.”

Emily rolled her eyes and moved over to Spencer, putting a hand on her arm “I think she means our first tree together. In our new place.” She nodded and looked around the apartment. It was nice, small but nice. They didn’t need much, though, it was just the two of them. It was the perfect place for them. It was equal distance between both their schools and most importantly it was all theirs. Together.

Spencer looked up at that and laughed softly “Oh.” She slid her arm around Emily and nodded her head, glancing around the apartment as well, before looking at Aria then to Hanna. She looked at the tree that was only half decorated and took in a deep breath before letting it out in a happy sigh “Perfect.”

Emily grinned and leaned in to kiss her cheek before laying her head against Spencer’s shoulder. Hanna and Aria exchanged a smile before going back to work. Once more a silence fell over the girls but never was it uncomfortable. Never had the four of them together in one room felt so right. All was right in the world because Spencer Hastings and Emily Fields were finally able to be in love.


End file.
